Turning It Up To 11

No, I'm not aware of any ongoing "suck at as many things as you can" contests going on right now (though I suppose there's porn to be made from that). However, I do play guitar... badly...

Want some proof?

No? Well, too late... I already uploaded it.

"Existential Angst" by 0 and 1

People, Volume 5: Attractive People

It's no secret that being good-looking has a way of getting you what you want amongst the human race.

What some people fail to grasp is that when you're used to getting what you want, you run the risk of becoming a tremendous douche.

Perhaps I'm just an uggo who's just envious of everyone else's comparatively good looks, but I have a lot of trouble tolerating people that American society considers "attractive."

Sure, it's gotta be nice to have people go the extra mile for you for no reason other than the fact that you can show some skin without feeling the cold sting of other's superficial judgement. The problem is that this spoils most people.

Soon, you don't need to pull all-nighters drawing the notes out of a dense textbook, because some guy with hopes of getting in your pants will do it for you. Soon, you don't need to look people in the eye while you talk to them because, if they're really down with you, they'll put up with your texting other people during conversation. Soon, you don't put as much value on your relationship with your family, because you have friends who won't tell you off for not helping out around the house or punching babies.

I'm not saying that all the people you think dirty thoughts about are terrible people. That being said, if they turn out to be used, empty, personality-less, folks who are dead on the inside, don't be overly surprised.

The more you know, right? Perhaps some of you ladies out there could take this as an opportunity to spend some more time with some of the less attractive men in your life... As always, leave the numbers in the comments.

People, Volume 4: People Who Drop The N-Bomb.. A Lot

For those of you who don't know, the n-word (with an "a" at the end) when used amongst black people, can be interpreted a term of endearment. Allow the Boondocks to explain:

Ok. Now that we have this straight, let me just point something out. I, a man of Jewish descent, don't go around saying, "yeah Jew, that's my Jew, Ryan Braun, killing 'em Jews with the long ball."

And yet...

Don't get me wrong, this definitely sounds ignorant, and, coming from the wrong person, this might still even be racist. At the very least though, what it does do, is make your vocabulary appear smaller than Rick Pitino's conscience. Who knows... perhaps people who use the n-word two, three times in a sentence are just compensating for this.

Or, perhaps it's something else (hint: it rhymes with piny teenis).

So, Yeah, I'm Not Doing This Anymore

This announcement might break the hearts of all my readers but...

Hmm...

This announcement might break the heart of my reader, but I've decided that it'd be a good idea for me to discontinue this blog.

I'll be heading back to school soon, and when it kicks up, I simply won't have the time to commit to writing this blog or playing poker. Between my incredible popularity and stunning good looks, I anticipate that it'll be hard enough to keep my mob of adoring fans and would-be lovers off of me, even without the blog going.

In other words, it's not you- reader, it's me- and I'm just not ready for this committed of a relationship yet.

Perhaps our paths will someday cross and our love will spark and begin to burn anew. But mostly likely, you'll probably be that one girl in the cafeteria who I try to avoid making eye contact with, because we've done unspeakable things to each other, and are no longer so enthralled with our whip, chain, and goat-filled late night encounters.

And with that, I bid you safe travel fair interwebs. May your Hulu remain free, and your porn stay questionable.

- 0 and 1

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Total Earnings: $42.74

Getting Educated: Society's Hazing Process

Before I begin, let me just assert that I'm a huge proponent of liberal arts educations. I could go on about this for quite some time, but I'd lose the remaining viewer in my ADD-ridden, Ritalin-snorting audience. If you want to be more convinced of the fact that being educated is a good thing, you may be an idiot, but just read this anyway.

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The ironic thing about the education process is that, for the most part, it never really teaches you anything practical.

Trigonometry doesn't help me write these blog posts, neither does a solid understanding of the themes conveyed in Chaucer, and I'll bet you that my being a laboratory hazard for a semster while taking Chemistry for a semseter isn't going to help me any big job interviews. Honestly, I'm just glad I never caught on fire from any of this stuff.

The reason that you need to go to school to succeed at not being homeless today, is because it is, for all intents and purposes, our society's hazing process.

In order to work in a powerful business establishment, know this: your boss will most likely have not only gone to college, but grad school too. If you think they're going to let someone, who didn't wear the proverbial barbie playhouse backpack of education, take power in their business, you're obviously an idiot.

Getting an education also allows you to relate to people that you'd want to be able to relate to. I bet you that I could probably have a great conversation with Bill Gates about how high school was a four-year long shit taco of social awkwardness, horrible acne, and being surrounded by tremendous dicks (shout out to Packer Collegiate Institute! Go Pelicans!), though I probably wouldn't use exactly those terms around him.

The unspoken thing about education, is that you've literally paid your dues by attending school, or at least your parents did. As they say, you have to spend money to make money, and with the cost of a solid education today, that's never been more true.

Really, though, when it comes down to it, the most important part of your having an education is the ability to point at your degree, PhD, or whatever, turn back to your colleague and say, "yeah... that Mr. Nooks... from back in high school... kind of a douche."

They'll nod understandingly, recount their own familiar story, and you'll be on your way.

Where Are All The Gay Poker Pros?

Poker, as far as I'm concerned, is not a sport. Yeah, I'm glad it's on ESPN, but I'm sorry, if steroids aren't going to help you take home a trophy, you're not really playing ball nowadays, now are you?

That being said, there are definitely some similarities between the sports and poker realms. One of them, is the lack of visible gay and lesbian poker players.

It's not entirely clear how many people in the global population are LGBT, some say one-in-ten, others one-in-twenty, Mr. Ahmadinejad says that there aren't any, well at least not in Iran, anyway.

However, with as many professional poker players out there today as there are, there's not a doubt in my mind that there are gay poker players out there, simply based on the numbers alone. The real question is, why are none of them out of the closet?

Hell, I don't know, or at least I'm not qualified to pinpoint the issue. What I will say is that the game of poker is a game that is played mainly by men, and those men are not always the most educated and tolerant out there. Sure, to win at poker, you need to have some brains, but people don't go to school to become poker players.

Homophobia is definitely still around today, and it probably won't be going away anytime soon. Whenever major religions around the world give you the red flag, you're probably not getting off the blacklist that easily. In the meantime, though, poker of all things should be an egalitarian and bigotry-free playing field. After all, when it comes down to it, does the orientation, race, ethnicity, gender, or creed of the people you take money from at the poker table really matter?

For the extremely thick amongst you, let me assure you: no, it does not.

Until then, remember your Freud.

Progress Report: 8/4/09

Keeping it rolling with a 6th place finish in a 180-person, $2 Sit n' Go.

Lost with pocket jacks to pocket queens, but hey, can't complain about the luck right now.

Also, a friend of mine sent me a great new sports blog- check out 30-Second Timeout when you get the chance.

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Current Bankroll: $42.74