People, Volume 5: Attractive People

It's no secret that being good-looking has a way of getting you what you want amongst the human race.

What some people fail to grasp is that when you're used to getting what you want, you run the risk of becoming a tremendous douche.

Perhaps I'm just an uggo who's just envious of everyone else's comparatively good looks, but I have a lot of trouble tolerating people that American society considers "attractive."

Sure, it's gotta be nice to have people go the extra mile for you for no reason other than the fact that you can show some skin without feeling the cold sting of other's superficial judgement. The problem is that this spoils most people.

Soon, you don't need to pull all-nighters drawing the notes out of a dense textbook, because some guy with hopes of getting in your pants will do it for you. Soon, you don't need to look people in the eye while you talk to them because, if they're really down with you, they'll put up with your texting other people during conversation. Soon, you don't put as much value on your relationship with your family, because you have friends who won't tell you off for not helping out around the house or punching babies.

I'm not saying that all the people you think dirty thoughts about are terrible people. That being said, if they turn out to be used, empty, personality-less, folks who are dead on the inside, don't be overly surprised.

The more you know, right? Perhaps some of you ladies out there could take this as an opportunity to spend some more time with some of the less attractive men in your life... As always, leave the numbers in the comments.

People, Volume 4: People Who Drop The N-Bomb.. A Lot

For those of you who don't know, the n-word (with an "a" at the end) when used amongst black people, can be interpreted a term of endearment. Allow the Boondocks to explain:

Ok. Now that we have this straight, let me just point something out. I, a man of Jewish descent, don't go around saying, "yeah Jew, that's my Jew, Ryan Braun, killing 'em Jews with the long ball."

And yet...

Don't get me wrong, this definitely sounds ignorant, and, coming from the wrong person, this might still even be racist. At the very least though, what it does do, is make your vocabulary appear smaller than Rick Pitino's conscience. Who knows... perhaps people who use the n-word two, three times in a sentence are just compensating for this.

Or, perhaps it's something else (hint: it rhymes with piny teenis).

Awkward Moments: Identical Twins

There is a stage in the very beginning of every relationship, acquaintance, and familiarity where it is perfectly OK not to remember someone's name. Actually, come to think of it, nowadays, it's probably better if you don't know someone's name before you really get to know them, seeing as they might think you've been stalking them for sometime on facebook and skeeving over their pictures on a nightly basis.

In any case, after you've spent a certain amount of time around an individual, it becomes awkward not knowing their name.

For most people, getting names down generally isn't a problem. I, personally, have some methods of keeping them in my head: say their name a couple of times when I first meet them, add them to my phone, take their wallet when they're not looking- all good methods.

Identical twins, however, are a total mindfuck, for me, at least, when it comes to name-remembering, and hence, avoiding awkwardness.

The problem never arises when you see one of them walking by, or even when you sit down with them for a meal (though they might find it odd that you're avoiding their name and saying "hey you" a lot, but still). No, the problem always seems to arise when you're trying to explain to people who you were just talking to, or hanging out with, etc.

Were you hanging out with Bill or Brian? Suzy or Cindy? Hell, you really don't know. You can't just ask, "hey, which one are you, again?" can you?

This situation always leads to the uncomfortable questions that often lead nowhere, such as, "was it the hot one or the meh one?" That's sort of a shallow question now isn't it? Not that you care, you're just trying to figure out which one to friend on facebook, but you can't tell from the pictures because they're both in both of them.

In any case, if you couldn't already tell, I have enough awkward moments as it is. Perhaps we can convince our identical friends to wear nametags, or have incredibly different haircuts- something like that.

Or, they could fight to the death...

Just sayin'...

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Current Bankroll $21.53

People, Volume 3: Smokers

After doing a demographics check on who reads my website, I've deducted that about 100% of my readership will die at some point in their lives.

Some of you, however, seem to be in a bit more of a rush than the rest of us.

Sucking ash is something of an enigma to me, since we've known for sometime now that doing so will get you you a solid dose of cancer and other fun diseases. It's going to kill you, it's going to kill those around you, and, similar to the inevitable shittiness of the upcoming G.I. Joe Movie, we all know it.

I understand that nicotine addiction is very powerful. Hell, the reason I won't even smoke once is because I'm afraid that I'll get pulled in too. There are a lot of people who smoke now, who wish they didn't. In fact, there's an entire industry solely based around these people. However, at some point in these people's lives, they were stupid enough to see someone smoking and say, "hey, that looks cool, lemme try that," or "this looks like a good way to relax," or maybe just "OMG, shiny light at the end when you blow into it? Sign me up!"

Smoking doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you are, or were, really stupid, and that's something that a lot of people mix up. Don't forget, we were all stupid at one point. Remember when you thought that the tooth fairy was real? How about Santa Claus? That's right, you were once a child, and you were absolutely pants-on-head retarded. It wasn't until you got an education, or had a trauma-inducing conversation with an older cousin that you found out that these things don't exist, and that your dog, Rusty, really did get run over by a truck, and your parents bought you a similar-looking one to replace him.

So, in a way, cigarettes don't kill people, stupidity does. It's karma, really. Smoking endangers others, and when you do that, shit happens.

For example, driving back from Queens the other day, three cars full of brain-dead individuals raced by me, zig-zagging through decent traffic, at about 100 MPH near the entrance to the Midtown tunnel. Fifteen seconds later, traffic stopped because one of the cars had crashed into the median. Anyone who was unfortunate enough to be driving near them at the time could have been killed. Luckily, it appeared that no one was hurt, not from what I could see anyway, but it just goes to show that when you do stupid things, you're more likely to die than the competent people in the world.

Essentially, what I'm saying is, take pity on smokers. They're really just like you and me, only not as bright.

People, Volume 2: MTV Viewers

MTV, for all of its faults (and they are innumerable), has actually become somewhat of a helpful tool for me in recent years with regards to my social life. Essentially, when I learn that someone is a regular watcher of MTV, it tells me that they are dead on the inside, and that I should avoid them like Travis Henry avoids condoms.

MTV is, as most people know by now, a network that tells impressionable and insecure high school kids how to live their lives without them somehow becoming unpopular, unique, or a functioning member of society in anyway. For those of you who don't believe me, or are simply unaware of how MTV simulates soulless, over-produced living, there happens to be an extremely successful show called "The Real World," which has been running since 1992.

When it comes down to it though, even if you're a 16 year-old in high school who has a fetish for annoying reality show actors or actresses, most people who watch these shows are, quite literally, tool bags. Really, when you need to watch television shows in order to inform the way you conduct yourself like a mindless, personality-devoid drone on a daily basis, someone should really take your breathing privileges away.

Now, you may say that not all people that watch shows like "The Real World" do so to figure out how to get into their TRL underwear in the morning. While I'm not entirely convinced of that, I think it would pretty safe to say that those who watch MTV are not people you want to be spending time with, because they are being trained in the art of the douchebag.

For instance, here's a dating show where one lucky, potentially inbred individual gets to speed date five other people who have come down with a terminal case of The Stupid. The show consists of either skin-crawlingly terrible staged rejections, or listening to two dimwits having a mundane conversation about themselves whilst enjoying terrible date activities. You can also enjoy this show's online extension, and possibly become the "hottie of the week".

Really, though, what defines MTV, in my mind, is this:
Say MTV wants to do a special on HIV/AIDS awareness, you bet your ass that they'll ask the reference agencies specifically for good looking and attractive victims of the disease. You need to be attractive physically in order to get onto MTV, even when you're dying, because that's the one and only thing that they want their viewers to aspire to.

When boiled down to its core, MTV is a gigantic infomercial for superficial American capitalism that asks the viewer to "follow the leader." You have to have that shirt, get a skateboard, and gel your hair, but first you need to BUY ALL OF IT. MTV has effectively made money off of taking the idiots that watch their programming, and turning them into idiots that watch their programming, and promote the lifestyle that revolves around superficial products.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not anti-capitalist, and I think MTV is a genius company because they've managed to harness the power of very unremarkable people (if I've offended anyone in that picture, by the way, please feel free to leave me your number in the comments). I guess what I'm trying to say is, watching MTV is a lot like playing a role-playing video game, except you don't actually do anything, and the characters are extremely stupid, to the point that it hurts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play World of Warcraft.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/1/09 + People, Volume 1: "Flossers"

So far, no good, as far as making any money on freerolls is concerned.

While I do intend on playing more tonight, I need some way of dealing with this frustration situation.

And so, in light of this, I've decided to create a series of articles entitled "People," in which I will tell you what to think about your fellow man.

Tonight's People: "Flossers"

Flossing is not the dental procedure that can add 6.4 years to your life-span if performed daily (though it's not entirely clear that anyone actually does this). Rather, flossing, in laymen's terms, essentially means to show off.

Contrary to popular belief, flossing is a plague that can affect people of any race, gender, age group, and persuasion. While rappers may be the ones who throw this term around with the most frequency, and are most often pictured wearing huge, extravagant, and overcompensatory chains, the term is not exclusive to them.

For instance, when your grandfather buys something flashy- lets say it's the new iPhone- and runs up to you saying, "hey young whippersnapper, look what I just spent my Social Security savings on," your grandfather is flossing. Not only is he showing off an iPhone that you don't have, but thanks to our economy, he's also showing off a great deal of Social Security money that you won't ever see either. Just take solace in the fact that you will inevitably be seeing the phone again when he asks you where the numbers are when he wants to make a call for the next month or so.

Flossers seem to think that by showing off their wealth and items of worth, they thereby increase their worth as a member in society. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sure, having the means to buy a nice car, some jewlery, a cool phone, and whatever else you might desire, is great. It's great to live comfortably, there's no doubt about that. However, when you start doing stupid things like spending money simply to show off, you're asking for someone to get jealous, and thereby get pissed at you.

Flossing is a lot like waving a dollar bill in front of a homeless person; not only would you be a tremendous douchebag, but with any luck, you'd soon have a bitten hand, and perhaps rabies.

The point is, there's nothing wrong with liking and possessing nice things. Showing them off, however, is something you might want to do in moderation.

Rappers have bodyguards for a reason: a good deal of them make a career of flossing, and if you can do that for a living, more power to ya. As for the rest of us, let me just say this: you're not distracting anyone from the fact that the only way you'll be associated with a huge prick is by acting like one.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00