People, Volume 5: Attractive People

It's no secret that being good-looking has a way of getting you what you want amongst the human race.

What some people fail to grasp is that when you're used to getting what you want, you run the risk of becoming a tremendous douche.

Perhaps I'm just an uggo who's just envious of everyone else's comparatively good looks, but I have a lot of trouble tolerating people that American society considers "attractive."

Sure, it's gotta be nice to have people go the extra mile for you for no reason other than the fact that you can show some skin without feeling the cold sting of other's superficial judgement. The problem is that this spoils most people.

Soon, you don't need to pull all-nighters drawing the notes out of a dense textbook, because some guy with hopes of getting in your pants will do it for you. Soon, you don't need to look people in the eye while you talk to them because, if they're really down with you, they'll put up with your texting other people during conversation. Soon, you don't put as much value on your relationship with your family, because you have friends who won't tell you off for not helping out around the house or punching babies.

I'm not saying that all the people you think dirty thoughts about are terrible people. That being said, if they turn out to be used, empty, personality-less, folks who are dead on the inside, don't be overly surprised.

The more you know, right? Perhaps some of you ladies out there could take this as an opportunity to spend some more time with some of the less attractive men in your life... As always, leave the numbers in the comments.

Getting Educated: Society's Hazing Process

Before I begin, let me just assert that I'm a huge proponent of liberal arts educations. I could go on about this for quite some time, but I'd lose the remaining viewer in my ADD-ridden, Ritalin-snorting audience. If you want to be more convinced of the fact that being educated is a good thing, you may be an idiot, but just read this anyway.

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The ironic thing about the education process is that, for the most part, it never really teaches you anything practical.

Trigonometry doesn't help me write these blog posts, neither does a solid understanding of the themes conveyed in Chaucer, and I'll bet you that my being a laboratory hazard for a semster while taking Chemistry for a semseter isn't going to help me any big job interviews. Honestly, I'm just glad I never caught on fire from any of this stuff.

The reason that you need to go to school to succeed at not being homeless today, is because it is, for all intents and purposes, our society's hazing process.

In order to work in a powerful business establishment, know this: your boss will most likely have not only gone to college, but grad school too. If you think they're going to let someone, who didn't wear the proverbial barbie playhouse backpack of education, take power in their business, you're obviously an idiot.

Getting an education also allows you to relate to people that you'd want to be able to relate to. I bet you that I could probably have a great conversation with Bill Gates about how high school was a four-year long shit taco of social awkwardness, horrible acne, and being surrounded by tremendous dicks (shout out to Packer Collegiate Institute! Go Pelicans!), though I probably wouldn't use exactly those terms around him.

The unspoken thing about education, is that you've literally paid your dues by attending school, or at least your parents did. As they say, you have to spend money to make money, and with the cost of a solid education today, that's never been more true.

Really, though, when it comes down to it, the most important part of your having an education is the ability to point at your degree, PhD, or whatever, turn back to your colleague and say, "yeah... that Mr. Nooks... from back in high school... kind of a douche."

They'll nod understandingly, recount their own familiar story, and you'll be on your way.

Does Your Tattoo Say "I'm An Idiot"?

For those of you who don't know, it is against Jewish law to tattoo or pierce your body.

This picture was sent to me by a reader of mine, whose Jewish friend, seen here, probably doesn't realize that in expressing his Jewish heritage on his skin, he has, in fact, denigrated it.

This tattoo is also somewhat disrespectful to the victims of the Holocaust, who were forcefully tattooed by the Nazis while living in the ghettos. Remember, "never forget," right?

So, congratulations, my friend, you've actually managed to become a bigger tool than all those people walking around with Chinese symbols on their bodies, without knowing the language. (Sure, they all say it means "courage" or something, but for all they know, it probably says "pig-fucker"... and they'd still be showing it off.)

I would say this is sacrilegious, but I'm not really one to talk, seeing as I hold a competition yearly with my friends to see who can break fast on Yom Kippur fastest. Hanukkah Harry has never been kind to me...

People, Volume 2: MTV Viewers

MTV, for all of its faults (and they are innumerable), has actually become somewhat of a helpful tool for me in recent years with regards to my social life. Essentially, when I learn that someone is a regular watcher of MTV, it tells me that they are dead on the inside, and that I should avoid them like Travis Henry avoids condoms.

MTV is, as most people know by now, a network that tells impressionable and insecure high school kids how to live their lives without them somehow becoming unpopular, unique, or a functioning member of society in anyway. For those of you who don't believe me, or are simply unaware of how MTV simulates soulless, over-produced living, there happens to be an extremely successful show called "The Real World," which has been running since 1992.

When it comes down to it though, even if you're a 16 year-old in high school who has a fetish for annoying reality show actors or actresses, most people who watch these shows are, quite literally, tool bags. Really, when you need to watch television shows in order to inform the way you conduct yourself like a mindless, personality-devoid drone on a daily basis, someone should really take your breathing privileges away.

Now, you may say that not all people that watch shows like "The Real World" do so to figure out how to get into their TRL underwear in the morning. While I'm not entirely convinced of that, I think it would pretty safe to say that those who watch MTV are not people you want to be spending time with, because they are being trained in the art of the douchebag.

For instance, here's a dating show where one lucky, potentially inbred individual gets to speed date five other people who have come down with a terminal case of The Stupid. The show consists of either skin-crawlingly terrible staged rejections, or listening to two dimwits having a mundane conversation about themselves whilst enjoying terrible date activities. You can also enjoy this show's online extension, and possibly become the "hottie of the week".

Really, though, what defines MTV, in my mind, is this:
Say MTV wants to do a special on HIV/AIDS awareness, you bet your ass that they'll ask the reference agencies specifically for good looking and attractive victims of the disease. You need to be attractive physically in order to get onto MTV, even when you're dying, because that's the one and only thing that they want their viewers to aspire to.

When boiled down to its core, MTV is a gigantic infomercial for superficial American capitalism that asks the viewer to "follow the leader." You have to have that shirt, get a skateboard, and gel your hair, but first you need to BUY ALL OF IT. MTV has effectively made money off of taking the idiots that watch their programming, and turning them into idiots that watch their programming, and promote the lifestyle that revolves around superficial products.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not anti-capitalist, and I think MTV is a genius company because they've managed to harness the power of very unremarkable people (if I've offended anyone in that picture, by the way, please feel free to leave me your number in the comments). I guess what I'm trying to say is, watching MTV is a lot like playing a role-playing video game, except you don't actually do anything, and the characters are extremely stupid, to the point that it hurts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play World of Warcraft.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Facebook Quizzes: Opiates for the Painfully Stupid Masses of Smug Jackasses

Imagine if you walked up to Megan Fox.

Congratulations, you would now be the proud new owner of a broken spine, courtesy of however many bodyguards Ms. Fox had hired for the day.

Alright, that was predictable.

Let's try this again. This time, we'll assume that Megan Fox's entourage is at a Transformers 2 afterparty, and they've all been trapped in Shia Lebouf's cloud of pitiful acting and general douchebaggery. This is your big chance.

After getting through the crowd, and stumbling through introducing yourself to her, you're surprised to find that she really likes you. A lot. She starts telling you that she wants you so badly, and she starts running her hands through your hair, working herself up against you in an incredibly too-sensual-for-public fashion.

You're completely taken aback by this, but you suddenly step back and think to yourself, "Oh God, I wish I'd brought a bag or something to conceal this massive erection."

Really, though, the thing you should be thinking yourself is, "wait... there's no way that Megan Fox, whom I've just met for the first time, is eagerly anticipating a romance explosion from the likes of me."

I feel that this line of thinking is not one that enters the minds of the great mass of Facebook quiz-takers.

You see, Facebook quizzes, the ones that I've seen anyway, have a tendency to tell every one of their participants that they are basically brilliant, good looking, fun to be around, badasses.

The thing is though, I know a lot of people on Facebook that take quizzes that aren't brilliant, good looking, fun to be around, badasses. I know a great deal of people in this world that have been all but dropped in a white-hot pool of molten stupid. Telling these people that they will someday rule the world, or something along those lines, is along the same lines of leaving George W. Bush in charge of the United States of America- except possibly worse because now you have a million more misguided morons polluting the collective mind of our earth.

Listen, I'm not saying that we should cull out all the Facebook-quiz takers and weld giant lead duncecaps to their heads. That would probably get me put on some government watch list or something.

What I do suggest, however, is that we create a fair number of quizzes that, when answered poorly, administer a giant red stamp reading "unfit to procreate" to the failure's Facebook page that will permanently be grafted over whatever profile picture they choose to present themselves to the internet with.

Also, Megan Fox.

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