People, Volume 5: Attractive People

It's no secret that being good-looking has a way of getting you what you want amongst the human race.

What some people fail to grasp is that when you're used to getting what you want, you run the risk of becoming a tremendous douche.

Perhaps I'm just an uggo who's just envious of everyone else's comparatively good looks, but I have a lot of trouble tolerating people that American society considers "attractive."

Sure, it's gotta be nice to have people go the extra mile for you for no reason other than the fact that you can show some skin without feeling the cold sting of other's superficial judgement. The problem is that this spoils most people.

Soon, you don't need to pull all-nighters drawing the notes out of a dense textbook, because some guy with hopes of getting in your pants will do it for you. Soon, you don't need to look people in the eye while you talk to them because, if they're really down with you, they'll put up with your texting other people during conversation. Soon, you don't put as much value on your relationship with your family, because you have friends who won't tell you off for not helping out around the house or punching babies.

I'm not saying that all the people you think dirty thoughts about are terrible people. That being said, if they turn out to be used, empty, personality-less, folks who are dead on the inside, don't be overly surprised.

The more you know, right? Perhaps some of you ladies out there could take this as an opportunity to spend some more time with some of the less attractive men in your life... As always, leave the numbers in the comments.

Oh, I'm Sorry, Is Your Purse Sitting Here?

The New York City subway system is, in my mind, the greatest transportation system in the world. Sure it's rat-infested, and yeah, you'd be hard-pressed to find a inch of it that hasn't been urinated on by a homeless man, but it still gets you anywhere in the city for just over two dollars a ride.

Unfortunately, riding the subway often brings you face to face with some of the less pleasant people in our great country.

Enter the, uh... colorfully dressed woman in the picture here. See that briefcase-sized handbag there? Well, that handbag and I got on the train at the same stop when it's owner strutted ahead of my dad and I, and placed it down on the lone seating location that would have fit both of us in the car (this is where you get to make a fat joke at my expense; I'll pause while you snicker).

Anyway, as my dad took his seat, I was somewhat amused by the fact that our new friend here (the owner, not the bag- though they might have had similarly absent personalities) seemed to be ignoring the fact that I was attempting to sit. So, I shrugged and offered a polite "excuse me," expecting the bag to be placed either on the woman's lap or maybe even on the floor.

Of course, this is where I was wrong. No such action was taken, and the bag was not moved. Instead, the owner gave me a quick, pissed-off glance and feigned an attempt to make space.

It was at this point that I realized that I had to attempt to sit on this woman's handbag. In poker, this would be the equivalent of calling someone's bluff, I suppose. Sometimes, of course, you get burned when someone turns over pocket rockets, or stabs you with a knife, but that's part of playing poker, and riding the subway, respectively.

While I didn't successfully get both cheeks on the bag, there was an audible gasp when I began my descent, and before you could say "ugly sweater," there was at least a little room for me to sit next to my dad on our way up to work. Father-son moment, saved.

Really, if your bag is ever so important that it needs its own seat, maybe you shouldn't be riding the subway with it. This is not your personal limo up to work. This is not the place to sit pretty and look good, not for you it isn't anyway. This is the place to sit down, keep to yourself, and not make, what can only be defined as, a dick move. You're just lucky there wasn't a miniature dog in that bag- I would have had no problem jumping on your inbred pet.

Anyway, remember kids, the moral of this story is that, in both poker and life, when obnoxious, frumpy individuals refuse to make room for you, sit on their purses.

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Of course, there are always worse things that can happen on the subway.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

People, Volume 2: MTV Viewers

MTV, for all of its faults (and they are innumerable), has actually become somewhat of a helpful tool for me in recent years with regards to my social life. Essentially, when I learn that someone is a regular watcher of MTV, it tells me that they are dead on the inside, and that I should avoid them like Travis Henry avoids condoms.

MTV is, as most people know by now, a network that tells impressionable and insecure high school kids how to live their lives without them somehow becoming unpopular, unique, or a functioning member of society in anyway. For those of you who don't believe me, or are simply unaware of how MTV simulates soulless, over-produced living, there happens to be an extremely successful show called "The Real World," which has been running since 1992.

When it comes down to it though, even if you're a 16 year-old in high school who has a fetish for annoying reality show actors or actresses, most people who watch these shows are, quite literally, tool bags. Really, when you need to watch television shows in order to inform the way you conduct yourself like a mindless, personality-devoid drone on a daily basis, someone should really take your breathing privileges away.

Now, you may say that not all people that watch shows like "The Real World" do so to figure out how to get into their TRL underwear in the morning. While I'm not entirely convinced of that, I think it would pretty safe to say that those who watch MTV are not people you want to be spending time with, because they are being trained in the art of the douchebag.

For instance, here's a dating show where one lucky, potentially inbred individual gets to speed date five other people who have come down with a terminal case of The Stupid. The show consists of either skin-crawlingly terrible staged rejections, or listening to two dimwits having a mundane conversation about themselves whilst enjoying terrible date activities. You can also enjoy this show's online extension, and possibly become the "hottie of the week".

Really, though, what defines MTV, in my mind, is this:
Say MTV wants to do a special on HIV/AIDS awareness, you bet your ass that they'll ask the reference agencies specifically for good looking and attractive victims of the disease. You need to be attractive physically in order to get onto MTV, even when you're dying, because that's the one and only thing that they want their viewers to aspire to.

When boiled down to its core, MTV is a gigantic infomercial for superficial American capitalism that asks the viewer to "follow the leader." You have to have that shirt, get a skateboard, and gel your hair, but first you need to BUY ALL OF IT. MTV has effectively made money off of taking the idiots that watch their programming, and turning them into idiots that watch their programming, and promote the lifestyle that revolves around superficial products.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not anti-capitalist, and I think MTV is a genius company because they've managed to harness the power of very unremarkable people (if I've offended anyone in that picture, by the way, please feel free to leave me your number in the comments). I guess what I'm trying to say is, watching MTV is a lot like playing a role-playing video game, except you don't actually do anything, and the characters are extremely stupid, to the point that it hurts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play World of Warcraft.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Amusing Lists That Drop-Kick Your ADD: Painful Things

Playing poker, at times, can be extremely painful. There are an incredible number of ways that you can lose in this game, and while the particularly annoying people amongst us may point out that they all stem from simply having the weaker hand, there are a great deal of ways you can end up in that situation.

Let's say you've been dealt AA in a no limit hold 'em game and you have one caller heading into the flop. The flop comes out A82, with no real flush or straight possibilities on the board. After a series of raises, you push all-in with your trip aces, and are pleasantly surprised to find that your opponent has the IQ of a container of walnuts, seeing as they've called with Q2 offsuit.

Everything is going well until the dealer throws down the remaining two 2s in the deck onto the board, giving your opponent his lone out (which they had only 0.1% chance of making) and causing you to require a new pair of pants.

Assuming you haven't already died of WTFitis, you'd probably be in great deal of pain, especially if you'd put any money on the hand.

If this ever does happen to you, here's a list of painful things to remind you that you're not alone in your suffering:

AMUSING LIST:

1. Wedding Proposal Fail. Tack on 50 bonus points if it's extremely public.

2. Accidentally biting your tongue while eating.

3. Getting fired from your job. Unless you sort of deserve it...

4. Stepping on Lego blocks, barefoot, while walking to the fridge for a midnight snack.

5. Bill Buckner'd!

6. Harvesting the power of your own stupidity.

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Anyway, something tells me that today is going to be an interesting day, what with this being rather prominent on CNN's homepage. Maybe it's my good luck charm.

Current Bankroll:$0.00