Getting Educated: Society's Hazing Process

Before I begin, let me just assert that I'm a huge proponent of liberal arts educations. I could go on about this for quite some time, but I'd lose the remaining viewer in my ADD-ridden, Ritalin-snorting audience. If you want to be more convinced of the fact that being educated is a good thing, you may be an idiot, but just read this anyway.

---

The ironic thing about the education process is that, for the most part, it never really teaches you anything practical.

Trigonometry doesn't help me write these blog posts, neither does a solid understanding of the themes conveyed in Chaucer, and I'll bet you that my being a laboratory hazard for a semster while taking Chemistry for a semseter isn't going to help me any big job interviews. Honestly, I'm just glad I never caught on fire from any of this stuff.

The reason that you need to go to school to succeed at not being homeless today, is because it is, for all intents and purposes, our society's hazing process.

In order to work in a powerful business establishment, know this: your boss will most likely have not only gone to college, but grad school too. If you think they're going to let someone, who didn't wear the proverbial barbie playhouse backpack of education, take power in their business, you're obviously an idiot.

Getting an education also allows you to relate to people that you'd want to be able to relate to. I bet you that I could probably have a great conversation with Bill Gates about how high school was a four-year long shit taco of social awkwardness, horrible acne, and being surrounded by tremendous dicks (shout out to Packer Collegiate Institute! Go Pelicans!), though I probably wouldn't use exactly those terms around him.

The unspoken thing about education, is that you've literally paid your dues by attending school, or at least your parents did. As they say, you have to spend money to make money, and with the cost of a solid education today, that's never been more true.

Really, though, when it comes down to it, the most important part of your having an education is the ability to point at your degree, PhD, or whatever, turn back to your colleague and say, "yeah... that Mr. Nooks... from back in high school... kind of a douche."

They'll nod understandingly, recount their own familiar story, and you'll be on your way.

People, Volume 2: MTV Viewers

MTV, for all of its faults (and they are innumerable), has actually become somewhat of a helpful tool for me in recent years with regards to my social life. Essentially, when I learn that someone is a regular watcher of MTV, it tells me that they are dead on the inside, and that I should avoid them like Travis Henry avoids condoms.

MTV is, as most people know by now, a network that tells impressionable and insecure high school kids how to live their lives without them somehow becoming unpopular, unique, or a functioning member of society in anyway. For those of you who don't believe me, or are simply unaware of how MTV simulates soulless, over-produced living, there happens to be an extremely successful show called "The Real World," which has been running since 1992.

When it comes down to it though, even if you're a 16 year-old in high school who has a fetish for annoying reality show actors or actresses, most people who watch these shows are, quite literally, tool bags. Really, when you need to watch television shows in order to inform the way you conduct yourself like a mindless, personality-devoid drone on a daily basis, someone should really take your breathing privileges away.

Now, you may say that not all people that watch shows like "The Real World" do so to figure out how to get into their TRL underwear in the morning. While I'm not entirely convinced of that, I think it would pretty safe to say that those who watch MTV are not people you want to be spending time with, because they are being trained in the art of the douchebag.

For instance, here's a dating show where one lucky, potentially inbred individual gets to speed date five other people who have come down with a terminal case of The Stupid. The show consists of either skin-crawlingly terrible staged rejections, or listening to two dimwits having a mundane conversation about themselves whilst enjoying terrible date activities. You can also enjoy this show's online extension, and possibly become the "hottie of the week".

Really, though, what defines MTV, in my mind, is this:
Say MTV wants to do a special on HIV/AIDS awareness, you bet your ass that they'll ask the reference agencies specifically for good looking and attractive victims of the disease. You need to be attractive physically in order to get onto MTV, even when you're dying, because that's the one and only thing that they want their viewers to aspire to.

When boiled down to its core, MTV is a gigantic infomercial for superficial American capitalism that asks the viewer to "follow the leader." You have to have that shirt, get a skateboard, and gel your hair, but first you need to BUY ALL OF IT. MTV has effectively made money off of taking the idiots that watch their programming, and turning them into idiots that watch their programming, and promote the lifestyle that revolves around superficial products.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not anti-capitalist, and I think MTV is a genius company because they've managed to harness the power of very unremarkable people (if I've offended anyone in that picture, by the way, please feel free to leave me your number in the comments). I guess what I'm trying to say is, watching MTV is a lot like playing a role-playing video game, except you don't actually do anything, and the characters are extremely stupid, to the point that it hurts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play World of Warcraft.

---
Current Bankroll: $0.00