Where Are All The Gay Poker Pros?

Poker, as far as I'm concerned, is not a sport. Yeah, I'm glad it's on ESPN, but I'm sorry, if steroids aren't going to help you take home a trophy, you're not really playing ball nowadays, now are you?

That being said, there are definitely some similarities between the sports and poker realms. One of them, is the lack of visible gay and lesbian poker players.

It's not entirely clear how many people in the global population are LGBT, some say one-in-ten, others one-in-twenty, Mr. Ahmadinejad says that there aren't any, well at least not in Iran, anyway.

However, with as many professional poker players out there today as there are, there's not a doubt in my mind that there are gay poker players out there, simply based on the numbers alone. The real question is, why are none of them out of the closet?

Hell, I don't know, or at least I'm not qualified to pinpoint the issue. What I will say is that the game of poker is a game that is played mainly by men, and those men are not always the most educated and tolerant out there. Sure, to win at poker, you need to have some brains, but people don't go to school to become poker players.

Homophobia is definitely still around today, and it probably won't be going away anytime soon. Whenever major religions around the world give you the red flag, you're probably not getting off the blacklist that easily. In the meantime, though, poker of all things should be an egalitarian and bigotry-free playing field. After all, when it comes down to it, does the orientation, race, ethnicity, gender, or creed of the people you take money from at the poker table really matter?

For the extremely thick amongst you, let me assure you: no, it does not.

Until then, remember your Freud.

The Top Five Real-Life Situations Akin To Playing Poker While On-Edge

To be on-edge, in a poker sense, essentially means to be seriously pissed off... while playing poker.

Do you remember how upset you were when you found out that Arrested Development was being cancelled? Ok, now imagine trying to make smart gambling decisions (if there are such things) while you're in that kind of state.

To say that playing poker on-edge is a bad idea is about equally as obvious as stating that buying used sex toys on Craigslist is sketchy (and a great way to acquire any VDs you haven't hauled in yet).

To further prove my obvious point, let me give you the top 5 most similar actions to playing poker when you're not in your happy place:

5. Hunger-Induced Raw Chicken-Eating

Now, of course, I can't imagine that many people see a carton of raw chicken and think to themselves, "Oh wow! Extra-special, poultry sushi!" However, let's say you've got some chicken on the grill, and it looks pretty good and charred on the outside. You bring it to the table, and as you being to quaff your meal, you notice that the meat is sort of pink on the inside.

Now, in a parallel poker situation, if you're dealt pocket kings (good-looking, tasty grilled chicken in this equation), and you see that someone might have hit a pair of aces on the flop, it might be time to at least dial back the betting a bit.

Essentially, if you're cooking hungry, or on-edge in this situation, your decision will probably lead to a sore stomach no matter what; whether you've recently acquired salmonella poisoning, or have recently seen your pocket kings beaten by ace-two offsuit.

4. Disagreeing With Your Girlfriend/Fiance/Wife in Front of Their Friends/Anyone

No matter how angry you are, no matter how right you might be, just remember: if they're not happy, you're not happy. Giving in to your desire to complain about how your Sunday football game-watching is being disrupted by their friend's birthday get-together is kind of like playing seven-two, because you're not going to win. Of course, while you lose money by playing bad hands while on-edge, you actually gain a spot on the couch in this situation.

3. Telling Your Boss That They Can Kiss Your Ass In Lieu Of Taking A Night Shift

In this economy, holding onto a job is oftentimes the better idea in this situation, even if it means burning the midnight oil for no good apparent reason. Perhaps you could simply tell them instead that you've already made plans, or that you're getting married to form the plot for an awful movie (although I guess she was doing to keep her job rather than get deported, but still...)

2. Flipping Off A NYC Taxi Driver For Cutting You Off

Seriously, they're bad enough drivers as it is- not to mention, they're crazy! This is basically like playing pocket rockets heads up... against someone sitting across with you with a gun... or a car to run you over with.

1. Sex Without A Condom

Sure, you're probably not angry at the time when this happens, but still, your poor judgement most likely just got someone knocked up. In this case, with your decision making, poker is probably the least of your problems... but it's still a game you should avoid. You're going to need the money, if they're pro-life... for a plane ticket to Mexico.

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Current Bankroll: $4.60

People, Volume 3: Smokers

After doing a demographics check on who reads my website, I've deducted that about 100% of my readership will die at some point in their lives.

Some of you, however, seem to be in a bit more of a rush than the rest of us.

Sucking ash is something of an enigma to me, since we've known for sometime now that doing so will get you you a solid dose of cancer and other fun diseases. It's going to kill you, it's going to kill those around you, and, similar to the inevitable shittiness of the upcoming G.I. Joe Movie, we all know it.

I understand that nicotine addiction is very powerful. Hell, the reason I won't even smoke once is because I'm afraid that I'll get pulled in too. There are a lot of people who smoke now, who wish they didn't. In fact, there's an entire industry solely based around these people. However, at some point in these people's lives, they were stupid enough to see someone smoking and say, "hey, that looks cool, lemme try that," or "this looks like a good way to relax," or maybe just "OMG, shiny light at the end when you blow into it? Sign me up!"

Smoking doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you are, or were, really stupid, and that's something that a lot of people mix up. Don't forget, we were all stupid at one point. Remember when you thought that the tooth fairy was real? How about Santa Claus? That's right, you were once a child, and you were absolutely pants-on-head retarded. It wasn't until you got an education, or had a trauma-inducing conversation with an older cousin that you found out that these things don't exist, and that your dog, Rusty, really did get run over by a truck, and your parents bought you a similar-looking one to replace him.

So, in a way, cigarettes don't kill people, stupidity does. It's karma, really. Smoking endangers others, and when you do that, shit happens.

For example, driving back from Queens the other day, three cars full of brain-dead individuals raced by me, zig-zagging through decent traffic, at about 100 MPH near the entrance to the Midtown tunnel. Fifteen seconds later, traffic stopped because one of the cars had crashed into the median. Anyone who was unfortunate enough to be driving near them at the time could have been killed. Luckily, it appeared that no one was hurt, not from what I could see anyway, but it just goes to show that when you do stupid things, you're more likely to die than the competent people in the world.

Essentially, what I'm saying is, take pity on smokers. They're really just like you and me, only not as bright.

Exploring the Possibilities of Fireworks

Fireworks, when you really think about it, are the sushi of explosions. Both sushi and Fireworks stand as exceptions to the rules that we generally conduct our lives by, in that you generally avoid eating raw fish and being in the proximity of explosions. They also both share the distinction of bucking these rules, while managing to be quite enjoyable and delicious.

As we approach July 4th, however, fireworks will probably be the more patriotic, and safe option between the two. This rings especially true if you're in the company of any WWII vets who may mistake your support of Japanese cuisine, along with the celebratory explosions on TV, as a tribute to the infamous Pearl Harbor bombings. Nothing ruins a holiday weekend like an old man nailing you with a shot gun, screaming deliriously, "That'll learn ya, goddamn Japs!"

That kind of racism is unacceptable.

In order to let you take full advantage of all of the fireworks that will fill the air on Independence day, let's take a look at all the fun activities that one can partake in with fireworks.

Activity #1: Scare people until they soil themselves.

Being startled by fireworks doesn't make you cowardly, stupid, or even un-American. Being startled by fireworks is a good thing. It means you still have the instincts necessary to run from explosions when you hear them, and that's something that a lot of people seem to have lost.

That being said, fireworks' ability to terrify the masses has the potential to be somewhat amusing. The inevitable post-traumatic stress of young children is surely a small price to pay for such a momentous, hilarity filled occasion, isn't it father of the year? In short, this is a good time had by all, and there's no way it could end badly.

Activity #2: Alarm clock

This is probably an extension of activity #1, but it seems to be such a widely accepted practice, that it deserves its own place in this post.

Activity #3: Draw fans to games played by awful teams.

Of course, when your organization is a joke, things tend to go poorly with this too. Ouch.

Activity #4: Make a grand entrance.

Not a terrible way to announce your arrival.

Activity #5: They may be enjoyable to watch.

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Happy nearly July 4th weekend, everyone.

Current Bankroll $0.00