Throw Pillows: A Necessary Evil

Throw pillows, for those of you who don't know, are strictly decorative pillows that provide little to no squishy, fluffy comfort. They can be placed on couches, futons, beds, and basically anywhere else you'd expect to find soft, pillowy goodness. (Not there, stop it.)

You may ask yourself, why put uncomfortable, clunky, and sometimes dangerous decorations before your relaxation?

Well, my fair asker-of-convenient-leading-questions, the simple answer is that you're not sophisticated and cultured enough as is. These pillows inject the amount of highbrow-ness into your life that you'll need in order to convince folks that you partake in activities other than online poker, blogging, cheese doodle consumption, and the blinding horror that is you, enjoying internet porn.

Now that I've thoroughly insulted you, my valued readers (we only hurt the ones we love!), let me warn you about the possible hazards of throw pillows before you make a considerable investment. I know, it's not quite makeup sex, but for the time being, it'll have to do.

For starters, throw pillow overload is a very real, and possibly annoying affliction that comes with these manly house adornments. While you do want to amply strew your couches with color, you do want to make sure that there is still a place to sit on your couch.

Also, have a basket or similar container at the ready for storage of the pillows. No one will be impressed by your pillowy brilliance if it's covered with dust, hair, and chex mix remnants.

For those of you who are color blind or just incredibly tacky, definitely make sure to enlist someone with dominant X chromosomes to select the pillows for you. You don't want to make a mistake, now do you?

Finally, for all of the men reading this article, make sure that you have a clever retort ready for the inevitable time when your buddies rip on you for having throw pillows. You will have your masculinity challenged. If you can't think of anything spectacular, and are feeling particularly insecure, just mention how you did unholy things with your insulter's sister, mother or girlfriend on the piece of furniture in question the previous night. However, if you're ever insulted by someone whose sister, mother, or girlfriend happen to overlap in any way, you might want to go for that instead (Hi, West Virginia!).

Throw pillows are magical, no they won't find hot singles in your area tonight, but if you line them up properly, you might be able to convince yourself that this is boobies.

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