Terrible Poker Hands As Represented In Real Life

It dawned on me recently that beginner Texas Hold 'Em poker players might play less terrible hands if they equate 72 offsuit, and other starting hands of similar crapitude, to painful, everyday situations.

That being said, allow me to draw some enlightening connections for you. This way, if we ever play poker together, I won't have to slap you for continuously sucking out pots and being a loud, obnoxious, shit-for-brains once you do.

Terrible Hand #1: 85 Suited

Imagine you're out at a party with your girlfriend, and everyone has been having a couple of drinks. You look up from your beer to find that your sweetheart is hooking up with a football player who is approximately twice your size. In a blind fury you charge at the man whose arms are as wide as your waist.

Play this hand if: Your luck is greater than your probability of receiving multiple broken bones in the ensuing fight multiplied by how close you were to your girlfriend.

Terrible Hand #2: A6 Offsuit

At breakfast, you find that the only milk that you have for your cereal in your fridge is a week past its expiration date. You give it a sniff, and it's passable. Your stomach is growling and those Cap'n Crunch Berries are looking awfully tasty.

Play this hand if: You don't mind a catastrophic case of food poisoning on a semi-weekly basis, and there's nothing else passable to eat in the house.

Terrible Hand #3: 42 Offsuit

Picture yourself as a high school drop out, living at your parents' house in their utility closet, without their knowledge or permission. The only woman you've ever loved has long since married the geeky kid you used to bully in 8th grade. He's now a millionaire working for an intelligence agency and drives a ridiculous car that you've actually pleasured yourself to a picture of at one point, before crying yourself to sleep. Your life is an endless drone of pain, and each day serves as a depressing, bleak reminder that you have failed to accomplish anything your loved ones once told you were capable of, before you stole from them to fund your heroin addiction. You sleep too much and dream constantly of the sweet release of death that won't seem to come soon enough.

Play this hand if: Your life resembles this scenario. You really don't have much to lose at this point.

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Happy Fourth of July Weekend to all those celebrating this weekend.

May your banners be star-spangled, and your hockey remain canadian.

Current Bankroll: $0.00