Five Suggested Scents For Hotel Lobbies

Walk into most nice hotel lobbies and you might notice that the place smells really nice.

Seriously, walking into these places is like biting into a fresh ice cream sandwich, only with your nose... and you know... not really like that at all.

Apparently, the hotel industry puts a lot of money into the olfactory aspect of their business, but could they be selecting their scents more prudently?

Allow me to offer up five new scents for all the hotel owners out there to consider.

1. Bacon

Bacon, as we all know, is delicious and savory, so, why not waft the scent of hot, sizzling, meaty goodness in the general direction of the reception desk? The world is growing fatter, you might as well take advantage of it... and charge extra for the oversized mattresses.

2. Leather

Leather is a very versitile scent. You might have classy leather furniture that you'd like to accentuate, or a bellhop with a bad ass leather jacket and a motorcycle. You'd also gain a niche market with all the fetishists you'd bring in.

3. Grilling Combo

Charcol, kerosene, and flames- man is that awesome. Just avoid booking the arsonists and pyromaniacs who might get the wrong idea and you're in the clear on this one.

4. A Ton Of Weed

California is on the path to legalizing marijuana, and why not show some support for the movement by just having all your employees make sure all baths drawn in hotel are herbal... Also, for synergie's sake, make sure that the White Castle next door has its ventilation pipes blowing full force into the elevators.

5. The Smell of One's Own Farts

The South Park, San Francisco special. Just prepare for high levels of smug and you'll be fine...

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Current Bankroll: $32.01

Mosquito Bites: Kinda Like Drugs

July 5th, for most of America, is somewhat of a letdown. Even if you still have the day off, or it falls on a Sunday, as it does this year, the cruel reality of clogged toilets, massive hangovers, and the impending return to work through epic traffic looms large. As a result, this day is often nearly as depressing as finding out that you've gained 20 pounds over the weekend, and that no woman will ever want to make so much as eye contact with your unsightly body ever again. Ever.

Luckily for you, Lardy McLardpants (name of the new McDonald's burger, for those of you who don't know), mother nature has given us all a gift that will get us through this rough day: mosquito bites.

Some of you might be saying right about now, "0 and 1, you verbose bastard, mosquito bites are awful! They make us itch, and give us Malaria and West Nile Virus!"

These are valid points; mosquitos bites have been known to carry diseases, and they do itch. But seriously, haven't you ever had that really good mosquito bite?

For whatever reason, itching mosquito bites, when done correctly, is one of the most ridiculously pleasant activities on earth. It's like what Scratch N' Sniff wanted to be, except without the sniffing and much more pleasurable. In fact, let's just say it, mosquito bites are like a scratchable orgasm.

However, like with most things that are enjoyable, they must be enjoyed in moderation. An over-scratched mosquito bite is, without a doubt, one of the most annoying bodily inflictions one can suffer. It's similar to what it would feel like if someone could tattoo Fran Drescher's voice onto your skin. These are the reason why most people equate mosquito bites with pain, instead of the glorious pleasure devices that they truly are.

So, in conclusion, mosquito bites are easily obtainable, impossible to steal, and best of all, free! It's like crack, only better!

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Current Bankroll: $0.00