(Editor's Note: Seriously, read to the end and you'll see where I'm going with this.)
As living creatures, us humans are driven primarily by three things: food, drink, and sex.
Dogs are no different.
It's been my experience that whenever you pet a dog around their owner, they always have to show you "the right way" to pet their dog. They then proceed to turn the dog over and rub its stomach.
Of course, the dog really enjoys this, because if your hand travels a little bit too far south, you are essentially jerking it off.
I'm sure I'm going to offend most dog owners... actually, I've already probably lost most of my readers at this point.
Seriously, though, the reason that dogs are drawn to their owners, and wait for them at the door all day, is because they give 'em the three essentials: snacks, sips, and happy endings.
Then again, isn't that sort of what you'd want from your significant other? Really, what more can you ask for in your life partner than someone who'll help you put food on the table, spend time with you, and humor you in bed a couple times a week?
Really, what I'm trying to say here is that dog owners are all bestiality-enthusiasts, who'd rather devote time to pleasuring their pets than their husbands, or wives, or whatever.
Or, maybe people in long-term relationships are all just bestiality-enthusiasts, who're trying to hold off on their love for Fido until it becomes legal in the States.
Seriously, I might be joking around, but those guys are actually straight up crazy... and not really very good at their jobs...
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Well, are you nauseous? I know I am.
This post has been inspired by Fox News, where fail happens.
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