July 5th, for most of America, is somewhat of a letdown. Even if you still have the day off, or it falls on a Sunday, as it does this year, the cruel reality of clogged toilets, massive hangovers, and the impending return to work through epic traffic looms large. As a result, this day is often nearly as depressing as finding out that you've gained 20 pounds over the weekend, and that no woman will ever want to make so much as eye contact with your unsightly body ever again. Ever.
Luckily for you, Lardy McLardpants (name of the new McDonald's burger, for those of you who don't know), mother nature has given us all a gift that will get us through this rough day: mosquito bites.
Some of you might be saying right about now, "0 and 1, you verbose bastard, mosquito bites are awful! They make us itch, and give us Malaria and West Nile Virus!"
These are valid points; mosquitos bites have been known to carry diseases, and they do itch. But seriously, haven't you ever had that really good mosquito bite?
For whatever reason, itching mosquito bites, when done correctly, is one of the most ridiculously pleasant activities on earth. It's like what Scratch N' Sniff wanted to be, except without the sniffing and much more pleasurable. In fact, let's just say it, mosquito bites are like a scratchable orgasm.
However, like with most things that are enjoyable, they must be enjoyed in moderation. An over-scratched mosquito bite is, without a doubt, one of the most annoying bodily inflictions one can suffer. It's similar to what it would feel like if someone could tattoo Fran Drescher's voice onto your skin. These are the reason why most people equate mosquito bites with pain, instead of the glorious pleasure devices that they truly are.
So, in conclusion, mosquito bites are easily obtainable, impossible to steal, and best of all, free! It's like crack, only better!
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Current Bankroll: $0.00
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