0 and 1

Turning It Up To 11

2009-08-24T01:16:00.014-04:00

No, I'm not aware of any ongoing "suck at as many things as you can" contests going on right now (though I suppose there's porn to be made from that). However, I do play guitar... badly...

Want some proof?

No? Well, too late... I already uploaded it.

"Existential Angst" by 0 and 1

People, Volume 5: Attractive People

2009-08-18T18:41:00.006-04:00

It's no secret that being good-looking has a way of getting you what you want amongst the human race.

What some people fail to grasp is that when you're used to getting what you want, you run the risk of becoming a tremendous douche.

Perhaps I'm just an uggo who's just envious of everyone else's comparatively good looks, but I have a lot of trouble tolerating people that American society considers "attractive."

Sure, it's gotta be nice to have people go the extra mile for you for no reason other than the fact that you can show some skin without feeling the cold sting of other's superficial judgement. The problem is that this spoils most people.

Soon, you don't need to pull all-nighters drawing the notes out of a dense textbook, because some guy with hopes of getting in your pants will do it for you. Soon, you don't need to look people in the eye while you talk to them because, if they're really down with you, they'll put up with your texting other people during conversation. Soon, you don't put as much value on your relationship with your family, because you have friends who won't tell you off for not helping out around the house or punching babies.

I'm not saying that all the people you think dirty thoughts about are terrible people. That being said, if they turn out to be used, empty, personality-less, folks who are dead on the inside, don't be overly surprised.

The more you know, right? Perhaps some of you ladies out there could take this as an opportunity to spend some more time with some of the less attractive men in your life... As always, leave the numbers in the comments.

People, Volume 4: People Who Drop The N-Bomb.. A Lot

2009-08-13T21:58:00.007-04:00

For those of you who don't know, the n-word (with an "a" at the end) when used amongst black people, can be interpreted a term of endearment. Allow the Boondocks to explain:

Ok. Now that we have this straight, let me just point something out. I, a man of Jewish descent, don't go around saying, "yeah Jew, that's my Jew, Ryan Braun, killing 'em Jews with the long ball."

And yet...

Don't get me wrong, this definitely sounds ignorant, and, coming from the wrong person, this might still even be racist. At the very least though, what it does do, is make your vocabulary appear smaller than Rick Pitino's conscience. Who knows... perhaps people who use the n-word two, three times in a sentence are just compensating for this.

Or, perhaps it's something else (hint: it rhymes with piny teenis).

So, Yeah, I'm Not Doing This Anymore

2009-08-08T00:53:00.003-04:00

This announcement might break the hearts of all my readers but...

Hmm...

This announcement might break the heart of my reader, but I've decided that it'd be a good idea for me to discontinue this blog.

I'll be heading back to school soon, and when it kicks up, I simply won't have the time to commit to writing this blog or playing poker. Between my incredible popularity and stunning good looks, I anticipate that it'll be hard enough to keep my mob of adoring fans and would-be lovers off of me, even without the blog going.

In other words, it's not you- reader, it's me- and I'm just not ready for this committed of a relationship yet.

Perhaps our paths will someday cross and our love will spark and begin to burn anew. But mostly likely, you'll probably be that one girl in the cafeteria who I try to avoid making eye contact with, because we've done unspeakable things to each other, and are no longer so enthralled with our whip, chain, and goat-filled late night encounters.

And with that, I bid you safe travel fair interwebs. May your Hulu remain free, and your porn stay questionable.

- 0 and 1

---

Total Earnings: $42.74

Getting Educated: Society's Hazing Process

2009-08-07T09:46:00.007-04:00

Before I begin, let me just assert that I'm a huge proponent of liberal arts educations. I could go on about this for quite some time, but I'd lose the remaining viewer in my ADD-ridden, Ritalin-snorting audience. If you want to be more convinced of the fact that being educated is a good thing, you may be an idiot, but just read this anyway.

---

The ironic thing about the education process is that, for the most part, it never really teaches you anything practical.

Trigonometry doesn't help me write these blog posts, neither does a solid understanding of the themes conveyed in Chaucer, and I'll bet you that my being a laboratory hazard for a semster while taking Chemistry for a semseter isn't going to help me any big job interviews. Honestly, I'm just glad I never caught on fire from any of this stuff.

The reason that you need to go to school to succeed at not being homeless today, is because it is, for all intents and purposes, our society's hazing process.

In order to work in a powerful business establishment, know this: your boss will most likely have not only gone to college, but grad school too. If you think they're going to let someone, who didn't wear the proverbial barbie playhouse backpack of education, take power in their business, you're obviously an idiot.

Getting an education also allows you to relate to people that you'd want to be able to relate to. I bet you that I could probably have a great conversation with Bill Gates about how high school was a four-year long shit taco of social awkwardness, horrible acne, and being surrounded by tremendous dicks (shout out to Packer Collegiate Institute! Go Pelicans!), though I probably wouldn't use exactly those terms around him.

The unspoken thing about education, is that you've literally paid your dues by attending school, or at least your parents did. As they say, you have to spend money to make money, and with the cost of a solid education today, that's never been more true.

Really, though, when it comes down to it, the most important part of your having an education is the ability to point at your degree, PhD, or whatever, turn back to your colleague and say, "yeah... that Mr. Nooks... from back in high school... kind of a douche."

They'll nod understandingly, recount their own familiar story, and you'll be on your way.

Where Are All The Gay Poker Pros?

2009-08-04T20:11:00.007-04:00

Poker, as far as I'm concerned, is not a sport. Yeah, I'm glad it's on ESPN, but I'm sorry, if steroids aren't going to help you take home a trophy, you're not really playing ball nowadays, now are you?

That being said, there are definitely some similarities between the sports and poker realms. One of them, is the lack of visible gay and lesbian poker players.

It's not entirely clear how many people in the global population are LGBT, some say one-in-ten, others one-in-twenty, Mr. Ahmadinejad says that there aren't any, well at least not in Iran, anyway.

However, with as many professional poker players out there today as there are, there's not a doubt in my mind that there are gay poker players out there, simply based on the numbers alone. The real question is, why are none of them out of the closet?

Hell, I don't know, or at least I'm not qualified to pinpoint the issue. What I will say is that the game of poker is a game that is played mainly by men, and those men are not always the most educated and tolerant out there. Sure, to win at poker, you need to have some brains, but people don't go to school to become poker players.

Homophobia is definitely still around today, and it probably won't be going away anytime soon. Whenever major religions around the world give you the red flag, you're probably not getting off the blacklist that easily. In the meantime, though, poker of all things should be an egalitarian and bigotry-free playing field. After all, when it comes down to it, does the orientation, race, ethnicity, gender, or creed of the people you take money from at the poker table really matter?

For the extremely thick amongst you, let me assure you: no, it does not.

Until then, remember your Freud.

Progress Report: 8/4/09

2009-08-04T16:33:00.004-04:00

Keeping it rolling with a 6th place finish in a 180-person, $2 Sit n' Go.

Lost with pocket jacks to pocket queens, but hey, can't complain about the luck right now.

Also, a friend of mine sent me a great new sports blog- check out 30-Second Timeout when you get the chance.

---

Current Bankroll: $42.74

Five Suggested Scents For Hotel Lobbies

2009-08-03T10:25:00.015-04:00

Walk into most nice hotel lobbies and you might notice that the place smells really nice.

Seriously, walking into these places is like biting into a fresh ice cream sandwich, only with your nose... and you know... not really like that at all.

Apparently, the hotel industry puts a lot of money into the olfactory aspect of their business, but could they be selecting their scents more prudently?

Allow me to offer up five new scents for all the hotel owners out there to consider.

1. Bacon

Bacon, as we all know, is delicious and savory, so, why not waft the scent of hot, sizzling, meaty goodness in the general direction of the reception desk? The world is growing fatter, you might as well take advantage of it... and charge extra for the oversized mattresses.

2. Leather

Leather is a very versitile scent. You might have classy leather furniture that you'd like to accentuate, or a bellhop with a bad ass leather jacket and a motorcycle. You'd also gain a niche market with all the fetishists you'd bring in.

3. Grilling Combo

Charcol, kerosene, and flames- man is that awesome. Just avoid booking the arsonists and pyromaniacs who might get the wrong idea and you're in the clear on this one.

4. A Ton Of Weed

California is on the path to legalizing marijuana, and why not show some support for the movement by just having all your employees make sure all baths drawn in hotel are herbal... Also, for synergie's sake, make sure that the White Castle next door has its ventilation pipes blowing full force into the elevators.

5. The Smell of One's Own Farts

The South Park, San Francisco special. Just prepare for high levels of smug and you'll be fine...

---

Current Bankroll: $32.01

That Was Almost Awesome...

2009-08-02T02:16:00.009-04:00

Just came in 38th place of 4133th players in another $2 NL Hold 'Em tourney.

Got knocked out, on a bad play on my part: Called with my 10th place chip-stack, pre-flop, and ran into a brick wall:

All in all, though, this was a really good showing- if not a bit disappointing, seeing as I was at one point in 4th place, and on pace to win hundreds on this one...

Bleh... anyways, given the recent success I've had lately with tournaments, I think I'll be playing more of them now, despite the fact that they have greater variance than cash games.

---

Current Bankroll: $30.38

Does Your Tattoo Say "I'm An Idiot"?

2009-08-01T17:47:00.006-04:00

For those of you who don't know, it is against Jewish law to tattoo or pierce your body.

This picture was sent to me by a reader of mine, whose Jewish friend, seen here, probably doesn't realize that in expressing his Jewish heritage on his skin, he has, in fact, denigrated it.

This tattoo is also somewhat disrespectful to the victims of the Holocaust, who were forcefully tattooed by the Nazis while living in the ghettos. Remember, "never forget," right?

So, congratulations, my friend, you've actually managed to become a bigger tool than all those people walking around with Chinese symbols on their bodies, without knowing the language. (Sure, they all say it means "courage" or something, but for all they know, it probably says "pig-fucker"... and they'd still be showing it off.)

I would say this is sacrilegious, but I'm not really one to talk, seeing as I hold a competition yearly with my friends to see who can break fast on Yom Kippur fastest. Hanukkah Harry has never been kind to me...

Awkward Moments: Identical Twins

2009-07-30T21:21:00.007-04:00

There is a stage in the very beginning of every relationship, acquaintance, and familiarity where it is perfectly OK not to remember someone's name. Actually, come to think of it, nowadays, it's probably better if you don't know someone's name before you really get to know them, seeing as they might think you've been stalking them for sometime on facebook and skeeving over their pictures on a nightly basis.

In any case, after you've spent a certain amount of time around an individual, it becomes awkward not knowing their name.

For most people, getting names down generally isn't a problem. I, personally, have some methods of keeping them in my head: say their name a couple of times when I first meet them, add them to my phone, take their wallet when they're not looking- all good methods.

Identical twins, however, are a total mindfuck, for me, at least, when it comes to name-remembering, and hence, avoiding awkwardness.

The problem never arises when you see one of them walking by, or even when you sit down with them for a meal (though they might find it odd that you're avoiding their name and saying "hey you" a lot, but still). No, the problem always seems to arise when you're trying to explain to people who you were just talking to, or hanging out with, etc.

Were you hanging out with Bill or Brian? Suzy or Cindy? Hell, you really don't know. You can't just ask, "hey, which one are you, again?" can you?

This situation always leads to the uncomfortable questions that often lead nowhere, such as, "was it the hot one or the meh one?" That's sort of a shallow question now isn't it? Not that you care, you're just trying to figure out which one to friend on facebook, but you can't tell from the pictures because they're both in both of them.

In any case, if you couldn't already tell, I have enough awkward moments as it is. Perhaps we can convince our identical friends to wear nametags, or have incredibly different haircuts- something like that.

Or, they could fight to the death...

Just sayin'...

---

Current Bankroll $21.53

Things I Can Now Afford With My Poker Winnings, Vol. 2

2009-07-30T12:14:00.011-04:00

With all the money I'm winning through poker right now, I've decided to explore what things I could afford with my current bankroll (I'm still thinking about what I'm actually going to do with the money, BTW).

Today's Possible Purchase:

Stephon Marbury's...

...last. ounce. of. sanity.

And, there's enough money left over to buy...

A pair of his sneakers to match!

UPDATE: Ok, now he's running things or maybe people over in his car.

---

Current Bankroll: $21.53

Progress Report: 7/28/09

2009-07-28T23:15:00.005-04:00

Finished in 84th place of 5037 players in a $1 tourney. This brings the bankroll from $16.36 to $22.82.

I'm tired. Play me off, Keyboard Cat.

Yeah, I told you so.

---

Current Bankroll: $22.82

In Defense Of Online Poker

2009-07-28T16:50:00.008-04:00

Before I start this defense of online poker, it should be noted that there are a good deal of people that consider poker to be a game of skill, and that it should not be made illegal under the online gambling ban. However, that's not the argument I'm making, whether it's true or not.

To support online poker, please visit the Poker Players Alliance, here.

---

Everyone has their vices. Some are more destructive than others. Some people have drinking problems, some people are addicted to sex, and some people seem to think that the Black Eyed Peas are tolerable "musicians."

In all seriousness, though, for some people, gambling is a big problem, and having it readily available on the internet could be an issue. There's no doubt about that.

Really, I think that poker is a leisure time activity that, like a good beer, needs to be enjoyed responsibly. There is such a thing as too much, and there are people who spend money playing the game that they simply shouldn't spend or don't even have.

However, for the US government to ban online poker sites is essentially penalizing the many for the mistakes of the few. This ban is similar to what it would be like if the use of privately-owned automobiles was banned because of an increase in drunk drivers, except not quite as crippling to our national thoroughfare, and as advantageous to Charles Barkley.

Furthermore, in a similar situation to the legal status of marijuana in the US, the government seems to be forgetting that there's money they can make on this! Why not tax the poker rooms for their US players and get some much needed cash during the recession? I'm not suggesting you toke it up while you're playing poker, but if both were made legal, you can bet that the US would be taking a lot more green to the bank.

Finally, by making it harder to play poker online, a part of our culture is essentially dying. While I'm not really sure that the American Dream was meant to be achieved by playing poker, the online game was an opportunity for the strategically sound amongst us to at least have a shot of making it big. Of course, that kind of mentality has lead to a good deal of people going broke, but isn't that kind of a bit of "survival of the fittest" in action?

In any case, the US government's ban on online poker is an infringement on our rights, and more importantly, our ability to take sucker's money, and that's... wait for it...

UNAMERICAN!!!

---

Current Bankroll: $16.36

Poker Hands That'll Make Me Die Young, Vol. 1

2009-07-27T16:41:00.011-04:00

I'm down about five dollars today. Normally, I'd say that's to be expected, since I'm really a terrible poker player. However, recently, I'm not entirely too sure I'm to blame.

Observe:

So, right here, I've flopped a set of 4s. This is kind of like pulling into a parking lot and finding that there is exactly one spot open, right near the front entrance. However, being that I've been hitting bad beats for some time now with some regularity, I'm already bracing myself for the worst.

After pushing my set hard, there's one last guy in the hand with me. The turn shows a 10, which doesn't concern me too much, aside from the possibility of a straight draw. However, after pushing him in for so much, I don't see too much on the board that can beat me.

Another 10 hits on the river, giving me a full house, and while I believe that he might have hit trip 10s, I can't believe that he's going to have anything that beats my full house. So, finally, I push another maximum bet into the pot, while doing my victory dance, by the way. He calls and shows...

...

No way.

I could go back and detail exactly how awful a play this guy made in order to suck out the pot, but I think I might have an aneurism while typing it out.

And that, my friends, is poker, for all intents and purposes.

---

Current Bankroll: $10.80

Fox and Friends Is Seriously F'd Up (Read To The End, There's A Punchline After The Stupidity)

2009-07-26T23:12:00.010-04:00

(Editor's Note: Seriously, read to the end and you'll see where I'm going with this.)

As living creatures, us humans are driven primarily by three things: food, drink, and sex.

Dogs are no different.

It's been my experience that whenever you pet a dog around their owner, they always have to show you "the right way" to pet their dog. They then proceed to turn the dog over and rub its stomach.

Of course, the dog really enjoys this, because if your hand travels a little bit too far south, you are essentially jerking it off.

I'm sure I'm going to offend most dog owners... actually, I've already probably lost most of my readers at this point.

Seriously, though, the reason that dogs are drawn to their owners, and wait for them at the door all day, is because they give 'em the three essentials: snacks, sips, and happy endings.

Then again, isn't that sort of what you'd want from your significant other? Really, what more can you ask for in your life partner than someone who'll help you put food on the table, spend time with you, and humor you in bed a couple times a week?

Really, what I'm trying to say here is that dog owners are all bestiality-enthusiasts, who'd rather devote time to pleasuring their pets than their husbands, or wives, or whatever.

Or, maybe people in long-term relationships are all just bestiality-enthusiasts, who're trying to hold off on their love for Fido until it becomes legal in the States.

And perhaps Fox and Friends aren't really totally insane, racist, and soulless drones from a hell that I don't even believe in.

Seriously, I might be joking around, but those guys are actually straight up crazy... and not really very good at their jobs...

---

Well, are you nauseous? I know I am.

This post has been inspired by Fox News, where fail happens.

Current Bankroll: $15.63

First Sign That Poker Is A Game Of Luck: $10 Milestone

2009-07-25T15:49:00.004-04:00

Well, with this hand, my bankroll is officially over ten dollars:

And the view of the cashier after the hand:

Make that one step closer to defacing the game... and reaching my goal of $50,000, too.

---

Current Bankroll: $10.34

So That's Why They Wear Those...

2009-07-24T11:37:00.004-04:00

Things I Can Now Afford With My Poker Winnings, Vol. 1

2009-07-23T13:25:00.005-04:00

The Top Five Real-Life Situations Akin To Playing Poker While On-Edge

2009-07-21T23:07:00.015-04:00

To be on-edge, in a poker sense, essentially means to be seriously pissed off... while playing poker.

Do you remember how upset you were when you found out that Arrested Development was being cancelled? Ok, now imagine trying to make smart gambling decisions (if there are such things) while you're in that kind of state.

To say that playing poker on-edge is a bad idea is about equally as obvious as stating that buying used sex toys on Craigslist is sketchy (and a great way to acquire any VDs you haven't hauled in yet).

To further prove my obvious point, let me give you the top 5 most similar actions to playing poker when you're not in your happy place:

5. Hunger-Induced Raw Chicken-Eating

Now, of course, I can't imagine that many people see a carton of raw chicken and think to themselves, "Oh wow! Extra-special, poultry sushi!" However, let's say you've got some chicken on the grill, and it looks pretty good and charred on the outside. You bring it to the table, and as you being to quaff your meal, you notice that the meat is sort of pink on the inside.

Now, in a parallel poker situation, if you're dealt pocket kings (good-looking, tasty grilled chicken in this equation), and you see that someone might have hit a pair of aces on the flop, it might be time to at least dial back the betting a bit.

Essentially, if you're cooking hungry, or on-edge in this situation, your decision will probably lead to a sore stomach no matter what; whether you've recently acquired salmonella poisoning, or have recently seen your pocket kings beaten by ace-two offsuit.

4. Disagreeing With Your Girlfriend/Fiance/Wife in Front of Their Friends/Anyone

No matter how angry you are, no matter how right you might be, just remember: if they're not happy, you're not happy. Giving in to your desire to complain about how your Sunday football game-watching is being disrupted by their friend's birthday get-together is kind of like playing seven-two, because you're not going to win. Of course, while you lose money by playing bad hands while on-edge, you actually gain a spot on the couch in this situation.

3. Telling Your Boss That They Can Kiss Your Ass In Lieu Of Taking A Night Shift

In this economy, holding onto a job is oftentimes the better idea in this situation, even if it means burning the midnight oil for no good apparent reason. Perhaps you could simply tell them instead that you've already made plans, or that you're getting married to form the plot for an awful movie (although I guess she was doing to keep her job rather than get deported, but still...)

2. Flipping Off A NYC Taxi Driver For Cutting You Off

Seriously, they're bad enough drivers as it is- not to mention, they're crazy! This is basically like playing pocket rockets heads up... against someone sitting across with you with a gun... or a car to run you over with.

1. Sex Without A Condom

Sure, you're probably not angry at the time when this happens, but still, your poor judgement most likely just got someone knocked up. In this case, with your decision making, poker is probably the least of your problems... but it's still a game you should avoid. You're going to need the money, if they're pro-life... for a plane ticket to Mexico.

---

Current Bankroll: $4.60

New York City vs. New Jersey: Workplaces

2009-07-21T09:27:00.000-04:00

A lot of people from New Jersey commute into the City in order to get to work (partially because there are a lot of jobs in the city, partially because New Jersey is the armpit of America), but is the trip really worth it?

Well, it's not really so clear. For starters, I found this little gem just inside of a loading dock in Midtown Manhattan:

I'm not sure if likening leaving the workplace to death is great for morale. Of course, seeing your possible death might not be the healthiest daily experience, either. Just look at this guy's office on 39th Street and Broadway:

I guess being able to pretend that you're non-emo Spiderman might be pretty cool, though.

In any case, as with most aspects of life, things could always be worse. You see, there's this place called New Jersey and there's a reason people avoid working there...

...yeah. For those of you who don't know, this is a Fluffer. (Link is SFW) Notice, I don't actually have a picture of that workplace.

---

Yes, I know that's probably not what they meant, but you'd think employers would be a little more careful...

Then again, I wouldn't put it past them.

Current Bankroll: $4.52

Pocket Pairs: Delicious

2009-07-21T00:06:00.005-04:00

So, yeah, still pretty poor on the scale of things, but we're making progress...

---

Current Bankroll: $4.52

Progress Report: 7/20/09

2009-07-20T16:20:00.003-04:00

Fixed Limit Hold 'Em continues to prove profitable as people don't seem to be able to tell when you obviously have a flush.

Of course, today, when I told one of my friends about the progress I've made so far, he told me that at this point, I "still don't have enough money to be considered poor."

Progress is, of course, a relative term.

---

Current Bankroll: $3.37

The Pokemon Generation Grows Up

2009-07-20T11:12:00.000-04:00

Fifth grade was a magical time for me. Before the terrible acne, before the dorky glasses, before the repeated traumatic pantsings, I lived my life with a simple purpose.

You see, at the time, Pokemon had just come out, and it soon became apparent that if I didn't catch all 150 critters, and become a master of the Pocket Monsters, I'd become a complete social reject.

Thankfully, after playing countless hours of the video game, spending considerable amounts of my parent's money to obtain a solid collection of the trading cards, and watching all of the cartoons and movies that I could, I successfully became a Pokemon master, and staved off becoming a nerd. (Whew, that was close...)

However, as important as having a level 100 Weezing is to one's being cool, well-liked, and hygienic, there are some things that the game taught my generation that might not serve them well down the road:

1. Setting Unrealistic Goals

Not to be a total downer, but it's very unlikely that you'll ever become the best in the world in anything in life. You can become good at something, like baseball, being a dentist, or tiddlywinks, but you probably won't ever be the best living person to do what you do. This is especially true when you're a pre-teen with no education, and your best friend is a yellow, electric rodent.

2. Family is Completely Worthless

This one I'm actually on the fence on. If you're the young child of a single mother who thinks that it's ok for you to travel an entire world away from home on foot, without plans of ever coming back, perhaps you'd be right to leave the premises. At least Mom is always there to heal your Pokemon whenever you decide to come back to Pallet Town, but really, isn't there something creepy or at least wrong with that? Teaching children that their mom belongs in the kitchen for life, waiting on your every whim, isn't really healthy, is it? (Of course, in some of the newer games, your Mom does travel some, but why is there never a male presence back at home waiting for you?)

3. Breaking and Entering is Your Right as a Citizen

No one ever seems to call the cops on you in the Pokemon world, perhaps because they're a bunch of lazy bastards that won't budge or let you into places unless you get them a drink. That being said, the amount of trespassing that you're required to do in Pokemon games is on par with the amount of times pervy blogger-nerds have oggled Erin Andrews (Yes, I realize, that does hit a little close to home). In any case, you can't just walk into a corperation's headquarters, steal things from there, and expect not to get taken down by security.

4. No One Actually Works a Job

Aside from the folks in the Pokemon Centers and the PokeMarts, it would appear that most individuals have nothing better to do than to stand out in a field, waiting for Pokemon battles from you. You'd think there'd be more jobs in an economy where Pokemon are present. For instance, it's never quite clear where or when Pokemon have access to a bathroom. If we have people IRL who's job it is to follow Elephants in a parade with a broom and a shovel, surely we could have some sort of a similar sympathetic character in the video games.

5. Money is Easily Obtainable

Once you defeat a trainer in Pokemon, any of them, they somehow feel compelled to give you money for wiping the floor with them. I've never understood this practice, as you'd think that someone could just pull a gun or a knife and quickly turn the tables, what with the law not really being present most of the time. However, by the end of Pokemon games, when you're coming up on the Elite Four, you usually have enough money to buy an entire nation's worth of Full Restores, Ultra Balls, and Revives. If being a Pokemon trainer is so profitable, why aren't more people doing it than your inbred rival?

Anyway, I do realize that Pokemon is simply a game, but with so many impressionable kids playing it, you'd think they'd be a little more careful with the messages they send.

---

So, are Pokemon edible? I'm pretty sure there was an episode where Team Rocket tried to make money by cooking and selling Tentacool, so whatever happened to Kentucky Fried Pidgey?

Current Bankroll: $2.91

Walking 12 Miles To New Jersey: Bad Idea

2009-07-19T21:17:00.006-04:00

Today, in an attempt to stave off nerdy pastiness, I took a 12+ mile walk to New Jersey via the George Washington Bridge.

When all was said and done, I'd seen some things I'd never realized existed, became the proud new owner of a tremendous sunburn on the back of my neck, and incurred the wrath of the chafing gods (the only deities I believe in, by the way) in places that I don't feel comfortable talking about.

Now that I've blinded your mind's eye, let me just say that there is no worse destination for a walk than Fort Lee, New Jersey. There is nothing there.

Actually, now that I think about it, New Jersey is just somewhere that you should avoid in general.

Well, all was not lost though, because today, I found Jesus...

...'s Taco. Apparently, this is a chain of restaurants in Harlem. I didn't eat there, however, because I feared the food could have burned my heathen stomach... Mexican food tends to do that when you're on the move, among other things.

---

Well, thankfully, not all things today were disgusting and cancer-inducing.

After returning home, I played a bit of Fixed Limit Hold 'Em, seeing as I was down to about 65 cents.

For whatever reason, the players on those tables are kind of... I don't know... let's say, fail-worthy.

So, essentially I've been feasting off of other player's terrible decisions and have made it to a new high at a whopping $2.91!

$50,000, here we come!

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Current Bankroll: $2.91

Good News, Everyone!

2009-07-18T13:47:00.004-04:00

So, luckily for me, the good people at PokerStars award free cash to players whose accounts have been inactive for some time.

Today, I was the proud recipient of a $2.00 Admin Credit, which has officially given me my first step towards my long term goal of $50,000.

So, far I've chipped up somewhat by playing micro-level cash games, bring my current bankroll up to $2.35 so far.

This just goes to show, that if you're terrible enough at something, people might just take pity on you. On that note, I'd like to thank you for your continued support of this blog.

I'd also like to thank PokerStars for being kind enough to support this blog, and for feeding my apparent gambling addiction.

Update: SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

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Current Bankroll: $0.80

Uncovering Kellogg's Dark And Delicious Secrets

2009-07-18T11:34:00.004-04:00

Coco Puffs Rabbit only wishes he could get his paws on this shit.

People, Volume 3: Smokers

2009-07-17T09:41:00.011-04:00

After doing a demographics check on who reads my website, I've deducted that about 100% of my readership will die at some point in their lives.

Some of you, however, seem to be in a bit more of a rush than the rest of us.

Sucking ash is something of an enigma to me, since we've known for sometime now that doing so will get you you a solid dose of cancer and other fun diseases. It's going to kill you, it's going to kill those around you, and, similar to the inevitable shittiness of the upcoming G.I. Joe Movie, we all know it.

I understand that nicotine addiction is very powerful. Hell, the reason I won't even smoke once is because I'm afraid that I'll get pulled in too. There are a lot of people who smoke now, who wish they didn't. In fact, there's an entire industry solely based around these people. However, at some point in these people's lives, they were stupid enough to see someone smoking and say, "hey, that looks cool, lemme try that," or "this looks like a good way to relax," or maybe just "OMG, shiny light at the end when you blow into it? Sign me up!"

Smoking doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you are, or were, really stupid, and that's something that a lot of people mix up. Don't forget, we were all stupid at one point. Remember when you thought that the tooth fairy was real? How about Santa Claus? That's right, you were once a child, and you were absolutely pants-on-head retarded. It wasn't until you got an education, or had a trauma-inducing conversation with an older cousin that you found out that these things don't exist, and that your dog, Rusty, really did get run over by a truck, and your parents bought you a similar-looking one to replace him.

So, in a way, cigarettes don't kill people, stupidity does. It's karma, really. Smoking endangers others, and when you do that, shit happens.

For example, driving back from Queens the other day, three cars full of brain-dead individuals raced by me, zig-zagging through decent traffic, at about 100 MPH near the entrance to the Midtown tunnel. Fifteen seconds later, traffic stopped because one of the cars had crashed into the median. Anyone who was unfortunate enough to be driving near them at the time could have been killed. Luckily, it appeared that no one was hurt, not from what I could see anyway, but it just goes to show that when you do stupid things, you're more likely to die than the competent people in the world.

Essentially, what I'm saying is, take pity on smokers. They're really just like you and me, only not as bright.

Progress Report: 7/16/09

2009-07-17T00:41:00.008-04:00

Finishing 8 spots from the money in a tournament where you need to be 27th out of 2,700 or better to cash, is a lot like getting kicked in the balls with a steel-toed boot.

That being said, there were some good hands that I got to play in there, including my new signature hand, the "0 and 1, Inapporpriate Cop-A-Feel Special"

As you can see, sometimes you don't need to have the best hand to win pots. You also don't need to be particularly good at poker to bluff, apparently.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Signature Hands: The "0 and 1, Inappropriate Cop-A-Feel Special"

2009-07-16T00:45:00.023-04:00

Some poker players, good ones, that is, have starting hands named after them; signature hands, if you will. Doyle Brunson, for instance, is famous, in part, for playing 10-2, which is an absolutely terrible starting hand in Texas Hold 'Em, and winning the 1977 World Series of Poker with it. To this day, this hand is known by most as the "Doyle Brunson" hand.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this seems like a great practice for me to desecrate.

Of course, as I am the poker-playing equivalent of Brick Tamland, you might say that I don't deserve a poker hand named after me.

Well, I'm sorry to inform you all that you're too late to stop me. Stand in horror as I present you:

The "0 and 1, Inappropriate Cop-A-Feel Special": 7-3 Offsuit!

Allow me to explain my inspiration...

The "0 and 1, Inappropriate Cop-A-Feel Special" takes it's name from countless men (and maybe women too) who have gotten a little too handsy, perhaps while drunk, and gotten smacked for their actions. Essentially, if you play this hand with an really frequency, you deserve to be slapped until you're no longer conscious enough to play anymore.

So, why 7-3 offsuit?

7-3 offsuit is a hand that I dislike even more than, what is statistically the worst hand in poker, 7-2 offsuit. This hand is pure and utter crap, but it doesn't get the same kind of recognition as its one-worse relative. Well, fret no longer, because I'm going to put it on the map and give it the respect, or lack thereof, that it deserves.

Sure, there's a chance that you'll hit a straight, but really, if you ever get to the point where you see 4,5,6 on the board with this hand, it's unlikely that you're really playing good poker. Of course, since I've never played a hand of good poker in my life, I'm sure I can look forward to hitting 7-high straights all day with this badboy.

I'll also be playing this hand in support of my boy, Ken Mink, the best 73-year old baller out there, who's career recently ended when he was ruled academically ineligible to play for Roane State Community College. This one's for you, Ken!

Anyway, my plan is to play the Cop-A-Feel at least 50% of the time that it's dealt to me. I won't be playing it every time since I generally won't be calling any substantial raises with it. However, I will be keeping track of my successes and failures with my newly acquired weapon, and I'll be posting them in my progress reports from here on out.

With the "0 and 1, Inappropriate Cop-A-Feel Special" at your disposal you too could be be one step closer to making $50,000 dollars through online poker!!!

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

The Five Foods Most Likely To Frustrate Americans

2009-07-15T15:09:00.007-04:00

A good deal of US citizens, for those of you who have been living in a hole for the last couple of decades, are overweight. They fully expect their meals to be easily edible when they reach their plates and/or feeding stations. Yet, some foods require a good deal more effort than the average American is willing to put forward to procure a meal. Here are the top five foods that may suffer further dips in popularity in the states as obesity continues to engulf us all.

1. Unshelled Nuts

These leadoff my list because they represent the high effort, low reward category. Opening some of the shells can be difficult, the repetitive motion can become tedious, and there's not a ton to eat even once you complete the sweat-breaking process. Peanuts (technically legumes and not nuts) were once a part of baseball folklore, even part of the song, "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," but does anyone still really make the effort to eat them anymore? Probably not, considering all the food that ballparks are offering these days.

Unshelled sunflower seeds might also fit in here too, but I suspect that those without the skill to seperate the seed from the shell orally probably just eat the whole thing...

2. Korean Barbeque

For those of you who haven't had this cuisine, let me first say that when presented right, it is absolutely excellent.

However, in the age of convenience and service, ordering a meal and then being presented with a plate of raw meat and a grill might be a turn off to those who feel that if they wanted to cook, they'dve made a meal at home.

3. Artichoke

This is another one of those high effort, low reward foods, except even moreso because to the unskilled eye, there isnt anything to eat. This also gets the nod for this list since it is green, and a vegeteble. For a lot of Americans, that's a big no-no unless there's some deep-frying involved before consumption.

4. Candy Buttons

I have to admit, these things are pretty much intolerable as far as eating them without the paper they come on goes. I remember, when I was just a small nerd, my mom walked me into a candy store and said, "I used to have these all the time as a kid. Here have some!" Moments later, thanks to my lack of fine motor skills, I had consumed little to no sugary goodness, and somehow managed to give myself a papercut on my tongue (yes, that did suck, thanks for asking).

5. Lobster

With the economy still struggling to get back on its feet, spending a ton of money on food is not something that most Americans are OK with right now. So, I can't imagine that after paying for an expensive meal, the average American will be thrilled with having to struggle to eat the meal they paid for as much as you have to with Lobsters. To successfully get all of the meat out of a lobster, you need to get messy, you need to find a way to crack open the shells, and you need to make sure that a bird doesn't swoop down and take your meal before you can finish. That constitutes more exercise than some people get in a day, perhaps a week.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

How To Be A Music Superstar: Avoid Coherence

2009-07-14T20:03:00.006-04:00

There is no doubt that music has been a powerful weapon in arsenal of man in the passing of time. Of course, judging from a lot of popular songs today, it would seem that the weapon of music has been lost and replaced with a paper mache replica.

In any case, music may have an underlying message, but a good deal of the songs that we listen to as a society are about as substantial as my self-esteem after a run-in with a particularly cold shower.

Here are, in my mind, the top five examples of bands that have reached stardom by taking this into account, and capitalizing on it.

1. AC/DC

AC/DC is, perhaps, one of the most universally liked rock bands, ever. Angus Young's guitar riffs are probably the greatest examples of those that border hard rock, while still maintaining a welcoming enough sound for the mainstream audience. Anyone who's ever gone to one of their concerts, however, will probably agree that it is nearly impossible to hear exactly what lead singer, Brian Johnson is singing. Yet, at the same time everyone and their grandmother still knows how "You Shook Me All Night Long" goes, though they may not know the name of the song because they couldn't quite make it out.

2. Lil' Wayne

To be honest, it's not very hard to hear what this guy is saying most of the time. Most rappers, including Wayne, are pretty blunt. However, even though a good deal of people in his target audience (white suburban teenagers) know his songs by heart, most of them don't actually listen to what he's saying.

Recently, I saw a concert of his on my campus and as the hook started to blare for one of his songs, "Money on My Mind," comedy ensued when a good deal of the audience sang along with the chorus: "Get Money, Fuck Bitches." Apparently, the guy in front me was ignorant of the fact that his girlfriend was not so supportive of this message. This seemed to be a common occurrence, as the chant in Memroial Gymnasium quickly became a murmur.

3. Don McLean (You know... "American Pie"?)

If you've lived in the US for any significant amount of time, or even if you haven't, you've probably heard the song "American Pie." You might even know the lyrics, too.

Of course, no one really knows what it all means. Judging by this, the song has a lot more to it than your average campfire song. With all that reading involved to even form a hypothesis of the song's meaning, a lot of folks might just watch the movie instead.

4. Nickelback

To say that this band has nothing redeeming about it, whatsoever, would probably be the closest thing I can offer to a positive review of the group. However, without digging too deeply into my bag of hatred for this clusterfuck of noise, I will still say that their lyrics are the written equivalent of having Goatse (no link here, thank you) scorched into your retina for a month-long period. They are as almost as unexplainable they are terrible.

5. The Beatles!

I hate putting The Beatles in the same list as Nickelback, and I've been told that it could possibly cause some kind of a black hole to open up in the center of the Earth. However, when you're on acid while writing your songs, sometimes coherence takes a back seat to excellence. Well maybe not always excellence, but it worked for these guys, right? Goo Goo Ga Joob!

---

Strawberry Fields Forever!

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Feeling Better After Calling In Sick: Awkward

2009-07-13T15:17:00.008-04:00

This morning, I woke up to find that my stomach was practicing some sort of a slam dance that would most often be performed in a mosh pit at a Slayer concert.

After informing my employer that I would not be making it in to work, I went back to feeling miserable for the next several hours.

However, after slinging myself over the toilet for a while, I began to feel a great deal better. Hooray for me.

Now what?

See, at about 11AM, I could get cleaned up, go up to the office, and put in about a half a day of work. But, is that the right thing to do?

The fact is that you still might be sick, and you could get others ill by going in. Also, you could very well go back to bed, and man does that ever look fantastic seeing as you're probably not sleeping enough as it is (yes, I am talking to myself in this sentence).

Anyway, today, I chose to stay in bed because I had to watch Wall-E again, since I was feeling too manly for my own good and had to cry once more so as not to forget how to do so. Or, perhaps, I've just become cold and unfeeling ever since Reddit shunned my blog and left no one to read this article.

Of course, sometimes this decision isn't so easy, and then you need to ask yourself the deciding question in this matter: If I lay here and gather filth any longer will I begin to look like this guy?

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

"Hey California, Where's My Money?"

2009-07-12T12:28:00.008-04:00

Nearly everybody has a friend, or, perhaps, not such a good friend who always seems to owe money. You know, that one guy you joke about sending bookies on to break his shins, but you're actually sort of thinking about doing it? Well, now the California government is essentially that guy for small business owners in that state, except you'd probably lose money on the bookies, since there would be a lot of well-guarded shins to get at.

It is being widely reported that by the end of July, the California Government will have issued $3 billion dollars in IOUs to small business owners instead of paying their invoices.

Of course, this will start up the blame game between the Republicans and Democrats about who's at fault for the deficit. Pick a side if you want, but it's probably a result of incompetence by all parties involved. Maybe they were all getting financial advice from Lenny Dykstra.

Anyway, in an effort to reach out to my Californian readers, allow me to provide you all some ways to make up the money that your government shorted you.

1. Play online poker to make $50,000 from scratch. Just look at how well that's working for me. (Current Bankroll: $0.00)

2. Find out how Flo Rida managed to blackmail the music industry into playing his horrible music. Seriously, have you heard that "Right Round" noise-thing? How is that making money?!?!? It sounds like a one of those little inbred handbag-dogs being put out of its misery by an accidental, decapitating ride in the laundry machine.

3. Apparently, not porn.

4. Isiah Thomas is coaching again. Sure you won't make money playing college ball at FIU, but I hear he needs a couple of million dollar ball boys. If Jerome James did it, so can you!

5. I propose a new hippie movement! Shared community, peace, and free love! Who needs money? What could possibly go wrong?

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/11/09

2009-07-11T22:37:00.004-04:00

I'm playing a couple more freerolls tonight, including the 23:40 ET No Limit Hold 'Em with my friend, JPantalones. Make sure to check out his Guitar Hero/Rock Band blog, he's just getting it started, but he's really a pretty impressive player, so take a look.

I'll post the results later. Hopefully tonight will be the night I finally hit the money.

Results: Nothing to see here...

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Here's some music I listen to way too much of, since I know you're all dying to know that kind of thing...

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Apple's Evil Counterintuitive Genius: Make Everything Break

2009-07-11T12:08:00.009-04:00

Ask almost anyone that's owned an iPod, an iPhone, and even a Mac about how they feel about those products, and you'll likely get the same answer: "I couldn't live without it, and then it broke... right after the warranty expired."

As a general rule, you shouldn't get too attached to any products that are made by Apple, as they tend to be as brittle and fragile as your grandparent's hips. Even then, if you somehow manage to avoid placing your electronics down on the kitchen counter a fraction too hard, causing the hard drive to soil itself, they'll still probably kick it in around a year, if your lucky.

You might think that selling products that break more often than octuplet mom's water might be a bad business practice; one worse than, say, that nauseating metaphor I just drew up.

The sad thing, though, is that there are so many people that buy into the hype of these products, that Apple essentially has a monopoly on the market. Seriously, they've effectively kneed PCs so hard in the groin that, for the last couple of years, the only marketing Microsoft has been able to cough up is that their computers aren't for exclusively for huge nerds like me (and yet I'm still using a Mac... perhaps I'm still trying to fit in with the "cool kids").

With their stronghold on the market, or at least a sizeable portion of it, Apple really doesn't need to worry about putting out products that endure more than some breaking wind in their general direction. This works out especially well for them because they put out new, slightly improved products about a year apart, precisely when all of last year's playthings are on their last legs, if that.

Apple is very much like that douchebag that every girl that you like is enamored with, in that the company treats its customers like they're their bitch, and yet they keep on coming back for more. Hell, last year in New York City, in order to even get the privilege to buy a new iPhone, you needed to get to the Apple Store at 5am, or some insane hour, to get on a line, only to receive a ticket that allowed you to buy the phone later that day when the store actually opened.

That is Bull. Fucking. Shit.

If there's a huge demand for your product, and you know it, perhaps you should anticipate for it, instead of making your customers put up with your terrible marketing. This isn't the VIP lounge at some LA nightclub, this is your store where people are shilling out a ton of money to buy your products. How about thanking people for their patronage instead of taking their money, spitting on it, and returning it to sender?

Of course, Apple won't stop doing this anytime soon, because there's really no need for them to. I'm writing this poor excuse for a rant on a two-year old MacBook that Apple wants one-and-half grand to fix so that it doesn't cough up blood whenever I put something in the disk drive. The fact of the matter is, no one is going to stop buying their products because they're very strong when they work, and they're the cool accessory that everyone needs to have right now.

So when you go out to buy that new 3Gs iPhone that Apple is hyping right now, just remember to tell them in the store that you like it rough, because you're about to be on all fours getting a spanking when you finally make it to the register.

---

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Donte' Stallworth: Out in 24 Days For Killing Someone

2009-07-10T14:14:00.015-04:00

There's nothing funny about this one.

Driving under the influence is a misdemeanor that is punishable by up to a year in prison in the United States. Needless to say, when you kill someone while driving drunk with a BAC of at least .126 (the legal limit is .08) you should expect to spend a good chunk of time in jail.

That is, of course, unless you're a professional athlete.

Donte' Stallworth is not the first athlete to get off extremely easy for a major crime, but he is one of the most recent and disturbing cases.

As you may have heard, on March 14th, Stallworth struck and killed a pedestrian near a Miami Beach nightclub while driving drunk. He was sentenced later to an already jaw-dropping 30 days in prison, but was released today after serving just 24 days in jail.

Now, I ask, what do you think would have happened if you ended up doing what Stallworth did? You think you might have served jail time that more closely resembled the recommended 4-15 year sentence? You think breathing is a good way to keep yourself alive?

Apparently, you can get up to 10 years in jail for tagging something with graffiti nowadays. So, if you can do that kind of time for spelling out a glorified cry for attention on someone's wall (or creating art in some cases), you bet your ass is grass if you played a game of follow the leader with Mr. Stallworth.

The big problem here is that we seem to have created a group in our society that is basically above the law.

Sure, athletes are childhood idols, but isn't that all the more reason to hold them to higher standards? Hell, we already promote video games in which kids abandon any form of education whatsoever in order to achieve fame. Why do we, as a society, want to show that the group that most resembles this (thought there are exceptions) can get away with anything through their privilege?

Stallworth stands to serve another two years of house arrest, but seriously, the guy is a millionaire! There are probably millions of people in this country that could only dream of being locked up in there! Plaxidents could leave you worse off...

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Oh, I'm Sorry, Is Your Purse Sitting Here?

2009-07-09T21:45:00.011-04:00

The New York City subway system is, in my mind, the greatest transportation system in the world. Sure it's rat-infested, and yeah, you'd be hard-pressed to find a inch of it that hasn't been urinated on by a homeless man, but it still gets you anywhere in the city for just over two dollars a ride.

Unfortunately, riding the subway often brings you face to face with some of the less pleasant people in our great country.

Enter the, uh... colorfully dressed woman in the picture here. See that briefcase-sized handbag there? Well, that handbag and I got on the train at the same stop when it's owner strutted ahead of my dad and I, and placed it down on the lone seating location that would have fit both of us in the car (this is where you get to make a fat joke at my expense; I'll pause while you snicker).

Anyway, as my dad took his seat, I was somewhat amused by the fact that our new friend here (the owner, not the bag- though they might have had similarly absent personalities) seemed to be ignoring the fact that I was attempting to sit. So, I shrugged and offered a polite "excuse me," expecting the bag to be placed either on the woman's lap or maybe even on the floor.

Of course, this is where I was wrong. No such action was taken, and the bag was not moved. Instead, the owner gave me a quick, pissed-off glance and feigned an attempt to make space.

It was at this point that I realized that I had to attempt to sit on this woman's handbag. In poker, this would be the equivalent of calling someone's bluff, I suppose. Sometimes, of course, you get burned when someone turns over pocket rockets, or stabs you with a knife, but that's part of playing poker, and riding the subway, respectively.

While I didn't successfully get both cheeks on the bag, there was an audible gasp when I began my descent, and before you could say "ugly sweater," there was at least a little room for me to sit next to my dad on our way up to work. Father-son moment, saved.

Really, if your bag is ever so important that it needs its own seat, maybe you shouldn't be riding the subway with it. This is not your personal limo up to work. This is not the place to sit pretty and look good, not for you it isn't anyway. This is the place to sit down, keep to yourself, and not make, what can only be defined as, a dick move. You're just lucky there wasn't a miniature dog in that bag- I would have had no problem jumping on your inbred pet.

Anyway, remember kids, the moral of this story is that, in both poker and life, when obnoxious, frumpy individuals refuse to make room for you, sit on their purses.

---

Of course, there are always worse things that can happen on the subway.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Glasses: No Longer A Sign of Intellect

2009-07-09T00:38:00.014-04:00

The act of wearing glasses itself has definitely never made anybody any smarter. However, the perception still exists that wearing spectacles is a sign of intellectual prowess, or if you're Christian, the sin against God that is masturbation.

Anyway, whether you've incurred God's blinding wrath during your special alone time or not, glasses, up until rather recently in history, have actually served as a decent indicator of an individual's being slightly less of a dimwit, or at least literacy.

You see, the reason that glasses used to become necessary for most individuals is because of repetitive eye-strain that takes place when one reads on a regular basis. This is the reason why real "nerds" have glasses; spend enough time studying textbooks when you're a kid, and you're going to end up with the middle school ridicule magnet on your face sooner rather than later.

Being studious, however, is no longer a requirement to turn your eyes to crap. With video games, the internet, and consequentially, a ton of porn being as accessible and widely used as it is today, there are bound to be a ton of less than bright individuals who aren't exactly seeing 20/20.

To make matters worse, smart people are even more difficult to pick out in contemporary life because of contact lenses. It's a total mindfuck!

This is all going to get dangerous in 2012 if Sarah Palin decides to come out of political retirement to run for president. Barack Obama, is the first US president in history not to wear glasses, and if a glasses-donning George Bush can convince America that he's a competent leader, or even just competent, there's a chance that Miss Wasilla could do the same.

Anyway, now that I've got all of my US readers planning extended stays in Canada in the coming years, let me just conclude by saying that the ever-worsening eyesight of our human race is a great example of how pitifully decrepit most of us have become.

Those of you who have seen the movie Wall-E might recall how humans in the future are depicted as fat, helpless, and literally unable to walk. While, morbid obesity is on the rise, it should be noted that if we all go blind from checking our facebooks, twitters, and playing online poker 24/7, we will most likely be boned just as hard.

Of course, if we're all disgustingly overweight, blindness might just be the next step in human evolution. Who's gonna populate the earth if no one can conjure up an erection?

Oh, ok, this guy. We're saved.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/8/09 (Now With More OMG!)

2009-07-08T19:22:00.000-04:00

Holy snap!

So, I finally won a spot to play for real money tonight, by coming in the top 200 of 7,500 players in the Freeroll to the Daily Dollar.

Of course, I still need to play well in the Daily Dollar tournament in order to win money.

To make the money, I need to come in the top 1080 out of a possible 12,000 players.

First place in the Daily Dollar does get $1,599 dollars, but I think for now, I'd settle for the two dollars and change you'd get for simply making the cash.

I'll post my results when I'm done.

---

UPDATE:

Well, that was quick.

I hit a king high flush on the river, which was, of course, beaten by a full house, twos full of tens.

Not gonna lie, this kinda sucks.

---

Current Bankroll: $0.00

People, Volume 2: MTV Viewers

2009-07-08T17:20:00.001-04:00

MTV, for all of its faults (and they are innumerable), has actually become somewhat of a helpful tool for me in recent years with regards to my social life. Essentially, when I learn that someone is a regular watcher of MTV, it tells me that they are dead on the inside, and that I should avoid them like Travis Henry avoids condoms.

MTV is, as most people know by now, a network that tells impressionable and insecure high school kids how to live their lives without them somehow becoming unpopular, unique, or a functioning member of society in anyway. For those of you who don't believe me, or are simply unaware of how MTV simulates soulless, over-produced living, there happens to be an extremely successful show called "The Real World," which has been running since 1992.

When it comes down to it though, even if you're a 16 year-old in high school who has a fetish for annoying reality show actors or actresses, most people who watch these shows are, quite literally, tool bags. Really, when you need to watch television shows in order to inform the way you conduct yourself like a mindless, personality-devoid drone on a daily basis, someone should really take your breathing privileges away.

Now, you may say that not all people that watch shows like "The Real World" do so to figure out how to get into their TRL underwear in the morning. While I'm not entirely convinced of that, I think it would pretty safe to say that those who watch MTV are not people you want to be spending time with, because they are being trained in the art of the douchebag.

For instance, here's a dating show where one lucky, potentially inbred individual gets to speed date five other people who have come down with a terminal case of The Stupid. The show consists of either skin-crawlingly terrible staged rejections, or listening to two dimwits having a mundane conversation about themselves whilst enjoying terrible date activities. You can also enjoy this show's online extension, and possibly become the "hottie of the week".

Really, though, what defines MTV, in my mind, is this:
Say MTV wants to do a special on HIV/AIDS awareness, you bet your ass that they'll ask the reference agencies specifically for good looking and attractive victims of the disease. You need to be attractive physically in order to get onto MTV, even when you're dying, because that's the one and only thing that they want their viewers to aspire to.

When boiled down to its core, MTV is a gigantic infomercial for superficial American capitalism that asks the viewer to "follow the leader." You have to have that shirt, get a skateboard, and gel your hair, but first you need to BUY ALL OF IT. MTV has effectively made money off of taking the idiots that watch their programming, and turning them into idiots that watch their programming, and promote the lifestyle that revolves around superficial products.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not anti-capitalist, and I think MTV is a genius company because they've managed to harness the power of very unremarkable people (if I've offended anyone in that picture, by the way, please feel free to leave me your number in the comments). I guess what I'm trying to say is, watching MTV is a lot like playing a role-playing video game, except you don't actually do anything, and the characters are extremely stupid, to the point that it hurts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play World of Warcraft.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/7/09

2009-07-08T01:36:00.005-04:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Why White Guys Don't Pursue Black Women

2009-07-07T14:29:00.001-04:00

In a world where racism is rumored to be on the decline, there sure are a lot of signs that would suggest otherwise.

While interracial relationships are starting to become slightly less taboo, at least in the US, rarely does one ever see a married couple composed of a white man and a black woman.

You know why that is? White men are afraid that they can't measure up to their black, male counterparts and, in order to avoid feeling emasculated, they don't pursue black women.

Now let me back up here for a second, because the above statement is one that needs to be qualified.

For starters, I'm not expert on this subject- and what I mean by that is, I don't know if the average white guy's endowment is necessarily any smaller than that of a black guy's.

What I do know, is that the stereotype does exist that black men are more gifted than white men, and that alone might be enough to discourage these particular interracial relationships. After all, once you go black, you never go back, right?

Another aspect of this conversation that needs to be taken into account is the fact that there seem to be more serious relationships between black men with white women, than there are with the genders flipped. Our current president, here in the US, is Barack Obama, a man born to a black man, and a white woman. While it would be pretty ridiculous to suggest that one instance of a black male/white female relationship means they occur more often on the whole, there are definitely a great deal more of them in the mainstream of American culture.

Of course, there's always the issue of racism (voiced or not) that will keep a good deal of people from ever considering interracial relationships in the first place. However, I think it's definitely worth asking the question, why certain groups just won't seem to "mix," even in our increasingly "enlightened" society.

Anyway, by now I've definitely offended a good portion of my white, male audience. As a consolation, I give you this is advice: the next time someone accuses you of prejudice for having never dated a black woman, let them know, "It's not that I'm racist, I just have low self-esteem and a remakably small penis."

---

Of course, sometimes, there are reasons for this sort of thing. Ouch.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/6/09

2009-07-06T23:35:00.006-04:00

Playing a couple of freerolls with my friend, JPantalones, tonight.

Neither of us have had much luck so far...

20:05 ET United States $100 Freeroll - Finished in 182nd place

Made a ton of chips on a big hand that gave me a shot at the money:

Of course, I didn't have much luck after that... Later, I received another sign that I'm obviously wasting my time with all of this poker, as I got knocked out by a pair of 7s.

23:40 ET $100 No Limit Hold 'Em Freeroll - Finished in 1058th place

While JPantalones keeps hitting ridiculous hand after ridiculous hand (he's currently in 74th place out of 966 remaining players), I'm sitting here feeling like I got kicked in the crotch for a second time tonight.

I slow-played this once the flop hit, and everyone raised. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty confident and went all in. Of course, once the turn hit, I knew I was as good as dead.

Now, go drink my problems away for me!

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Those Ear-Widening Things Are Just Really Gross... Seriously

2009-07-06T18:55:00.004-04:00

Not too much time to post anything today. Mondays always hurt, but they're especially bad after a nice weekend like July 4th.

With the limited time I have to write something up tonight, I'll just leave you with a quick observation: these ear-stretching things are gross, almost to a puke-inducing level.

Is that really supposed to be attractive? Really?

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/5/09

2009-07-05T21:10:00.006-04:00

First thing's first, hope everyone in the States had a great July 4th weekend.

Still no luck so far with the freerolls, and it's starting to get borderline embarrassing, not to mention frustrating. I've been hitting the top 100 with some pretty good regularity. Continuing to not be able to get to 27th place from there and make the cash has just been painful.

I'll be playing some tonight, and like always, the results will be up later.

20:05 PM United States No Limit Hold 'Em $100 Freeroll - Lost in 854th Place

Nothing to say here except I just didn't hit anything. I don't think I'll ever be dealt so man suited AQ starting hands that ended up being utterly unplayable once the flop hit.

---

In the meantime, how about we rock the Sunday night blues away?

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Mosquito Bites: Kinda Like Drugs

2009-07-05T09:56:00.006-04:00

July 5th, for most of America, is somewhat of a letdown. Even if you still have the day off, or it falls on a Sunday, as it does this year, the cruel reality of clogged toilets, massive hangovers, and the impending return to work through epic traffic looms large. As a result, this day is often nearly as depressing as finding out that you've gained 20 pounds over the weekend, and that no woman will ever want to make so much as eye contact with your unsightly body ever again. Ever.

Luckily for you, Lardy McLardpants (name of the new McDonald's burger, for those of you who don't know), mother nature has given us all a gift that will get us through this rough day: mosquito bites.

Some of you might be saying right about now, "0 and 1, you verbose bastard, mosquito bites are awful! They make us itch, and give us Malaria and West Nile Virus!"

These are valid points; mosquitos bites have been known to carry diseases, and they do itch. But seriously, haven't you ever had that really good mosquito bite?

For whatever reason, itching mosquito bites, when done correctly, is one of the most ridiculously pleasant activities on earth. It's like what Scratch N' Sniff wanted to be, except without the sniffing and much more pleasurable. In fact, let's just say it, mosquito bites are like a scratchable orgasm.

However, like with most things that are enjoyable, they must be enjoyed in moderation. An over-scratched mosquito bite is, without a doubt, one of the most annoying bodily inflictions one can suffer. It's similar to what it would feel like if someone could tattoo Fran Drescher's voice onto your skin. These are the reason why most people equate mosquito bites with pain, instead of the glorious pleasure devices that they truly are.

So, in conclusion, mosquito bites are easily obtainable, impossible to steal, and best of all, free! It's like crack, only better!

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Fourth of July Special: Beach Balls And Their Pitfalls

2009-07-04T10:45:00.010-04:00

Don't get me wrong, when I was but a small heathen, beach balls were quality entertainment. There are pictures to prove it; cute little photographs of baby 0 and 1 drooling and banging his head against the sphere of what was surely toxic plastic fumes. Absolutely adorable.

At some point, though, all of us must grow old and become jaded with the delights and simple pleasantries of childhood. Part of this process, undoubtedly includes learning to hate beach balls.

Once a child's muscles gain strength greater than that of chocolate pudding, beach balls start to become something of a nuisance. You can't really throw them anywhere, since they're too light to travel through the air with any real consistency. Furthermore, they're usually made out of cheap, thin plastic. So, if you kick the ball into anything sharp, they blow up more quickly than Jessica Simpson after finishing a Pizza Hut ad (she's still not really fat, just tragically unaware of her pants' proximity to the Urkel line).

Beach balls have also gained a reputation as a major annoyance at concerts and sporting events. This isn't so much because of the ball itself, but the crowd of stumbling, overeager drunks it leaves behind it. Perhaps the best thing you can hope for in these scenarios is for someone to take a particularly ambitious swipe at the ball, only to miss and go all Chris Brown on their best bro next to them instead.

In any case, beach balls need an image makeover. Maybe they could pull the whole bigger is better campaign that America was so enthralled with during the late 90s, when Viagra became available and Bob Dole was still doing backflips. Who knows? Still, I do hope we've gotten past the point in our country's history when the cool thing to do is show off your new Hummer to your friend and say, "Hey man, check out how huge my car is, and by car, I mean penis!"

Oh, wait.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/3/09

2009-07-03T23:56:00.005-04:00

Currently, in the middle of the second of two huge opportunities to finally make cash tonight.

Finished in 59th place in a Texas Hold 'Em Freeroll earlier tonight. On the following hand:

I'm still in 69th of 99 players, in the second of the Texas Hold 'Em Freerolls that I entered. When I inevitably lose in a terrible, heartbreaking fashion, I'll post the results.

UPDATE: BALLS!

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Happy Holidays, 0 and 1!

2009-07-03T18:12:00.003-04:00

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Terrible Poker Hands As Represented In Real Life

2009-07-03T14:48:00.009-04:00

It dawned on me recently that beginner Texas Hold 'Em poker players might play less terrible hands if they equate 72 offsuit, and other starting hands of similar crapitude, to painful, everyday situations.

That being said, allow me to draw some enlightening connections for you. This way, if we ever play poker together, I won't have to slap you for continuously sucking out pots and being a loud, obnoxious, shit-for-brains once you do.

Terrible Hand #1: 85 Suited

Imagine you're out at a party with your girlfriend, and everyone has been having a couple of drinks. You look up from your beer to find that your sweetheart is hooking up with a football player who is approximately twice your size. In a blind fury you charge at the man whose arms are as wide as your waist.

Play this hand if: Your luck is greater than your probability of receiving multiple broken bones in the ensuing fight multiplied by how close you were to your girlfriend.

Terrible Hand #2: A6 Offsuit

At breakfast, you find that the only milk that you have for your cereal in your fridge is a week past its expiration date. You give it a sniff, and it's passable. Your stomach is growling and those Cap'n Crunch Berries are looking awfully tasty.

Play this hand if: You don't mind a catastrophic case of food poisoning on a semi-weekly basis, and there's nothing else passable to eat in the house.

Terrible Hand #3: 42 Offsuit

Picture yourself as a high school drop out, living at your parents' house in their utility closet, without their knowledge or permission. The only woman you've ever loved has long since married the geeky kid you used to bully in 8th grade. He's now a millionaire working for an intelligence agency and drives a ridiculous car that you've actually pleasured yourself to a picture of at one point, before crying yourself to sleep. Your life is an endless drone of pain, and each day serves as a depressing, bleak reminder that you have failed to accomplish anything your loved ones once told you were capable of, before you stole from them to fund your heroin addiction. You sleep too much and dream constantly of the sweet release of death that won't seem to come soon enough.

Play this hand if: Your life resembles this scenario. You really don't have much to lose at this point.

---

Happy Fourth of July Weekend to all those celebrating this weekend.

May your banners be star-spangled, and your hockey remain canadian.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Throw Pillows: A Necessary Evil

2009-07-03T14:24:00.001-04:00

Throw pillows, for those of you who don't know, are strictly decorative pillows that provide little to no squishy, fluffy comfort. They can be placed on couches, futons, beds, and basically anywhere else you'd expect to find soft, pillowy goodness. (Not there, stop it.)

You may ask yourself, why put uncomfortable, clunky, and sometimes dangerous decorations before your relaxation?

Well, my fair asker-of-convenient-leading-questions, the simple answer is that you're not sophisticated and cultured enough as is. These pillows inject the amount of highbrow-ness into your life that you'll need in order to convince folks that you partake in activities other than online poker, blogging, cheese doodle consumption, and the blinding horror that is you, enjoying internet porn.

Now that I've thoroughly insulted you, my valued readers (we only hurt the ones we love!), let me warn you about the possible hazards of throw pillows before you make a considerable investment. I know, it's not quite makeup sex, but for the time being, it'll have to do.

For starters, throw pillow overload is a very real, and possibly annoying affliction that comes with these manly house adornments. While you do want to amply strew your couches with color, you do want to make sure that there is still a place to sit on your couch.

Also, have a basket or similar container at the ready for storage of the pillows. No one will be impressed by your pillowy brilliance if it's covered with dust, hair, and chex mix remnants.

For those of you who are color blind or just incredibly tacky, definitely make sure to enlist someone with dominant X chromosomes to select the pillows for you. You don't want to make a mistake, now do you?

Finally, for all of the men reading this article, make sure that you have a clever retort ready for the inevitable time when your buddies rip on you for having throw pillows. You will have your masculinity challenged. If you can't think of anything spectacular, and are feeling particularly insecure, just mention how you did unholy things with your insulter's sister, mother or girlfriend on the piece of furniture in question the previous night. However, if you're ever insulted by someone whose sister, mother, or girlfriend happen to overlap in any way, you might want to go for that instead (Hi, West Virginia!).

Throw pillows are magical, no they won't find hot singles in your area tonight, but if you line them up properly, you might be able to convince yourself that this is boobies.

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Current bankroll: $0.00

The Road to Obesity: Bigger Toilets

2009-07-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've heard a lot from my friends about toilets from Japan that, apparently, save you some of the energy from the tiresome task by wiping for you. I'm not entirely sure whether this bodes worse for the ever-increasing laziness of our human race, or just the sanity of my friends.

That aside, it seems to me that, in a world that is growing smaller, simply because we as people are growing fatter, an auto-wiping toilet (which involves some spritzing by the way... not sure if that's for everyone) is not going to cut it.

This is why I encourage toilet-making companies to begin magnifying the target, so to speak. Yes, I realize that bigger toilets use more water, but I fear that if we don't make the sacrifice now, the world may suffer for it down the road.

Of course, larger toilets would have other positive effects on our society, outside of indulging the plumper amongst us. For instance, this adaptation would also indirectly make life a great deal more pleasant for the well-endowed amongst us. No longer having to grab one's junk to avoid it from ending up in an unsavory watery fate should be reason enough to consider this advancement in the bathroom.

Finally, consider larger toilets a great new way to combat anorexia. In order to correctly diagnose a victim of the disease, one simply needs to stand outside of the bathroom of the person in question. If, in a matter of seconds, a loud "plop" followed by disgusted shrieks are audible, your friend most likely needs to eat a sandwich. At this point, find a way to open the bathroom door, and rope to extract the anorexic from the toilet.

This post brought to you by Great John Toilets. Because they DO listen.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 7/2/09

2009-07-03T08:44:00.000-04:00

Until I begin to make money, and start playing for cash, it's going to be very hard for me to take the poker I'm playing seriously.

Playing freerolls, in all likelihood, is probably terrible for your poker game. With nothing to lose but time, and potential, you start playing hands you just shouldn't be playing. Sure, you could wait and play the right hands, and properly lure people in for their chips, but if the cards aren't there for you, it's very hard to put yourself in a position to end up in the money.

The worst part of freerolls, though, have to be the suck-outs (times when you have the winning hand, someone else plays crap, and hits unlikely outs to ultimately take down the pot). These will happen on any level of poker, and are part of the game.

However, when people don't have to fear losing money at all, you start seeing a lot of speculative hands like 63 suited. Sometimes these are hands you want to play, sure. However, when there are two or three of these playing in a hand at once, bullshitty things start to happen. You'll find yourself betting hard pre-flop only to lose to 75 offsuit, when the flop comes out K75 and you decide to cash in your strong hand.

Of course, once you've lost in this fashion you'll end up looking something like this.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

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Exploring the Possibilities of Fireworks

2009-07-03T01:54:00.001-04:00

Fireworks, when you really think about it, are the sushi of explosions. Both sushi and Fireworks stand as exceptions to the rules that we generally conduct our lives by, in that you generally avoid eating raw fish and being in the proximity of explosions. They also both share the distinction of bucking these rules, while managing to be quite enjoyable and delicious.

As we approach July 4th, however, fireworks will probably be the more patriotic, and safe option between the two. This rings especially true if you're in the company of any WWII vets who may mistake your support of Japanese cuisine, along with the celebratory explosions on TV, as a tribute to the infamous Pearl Harbor bombings. Nothing ruins a holiday weekend like an old man nailing you with a shot gun, screaming deliriously, "That'll learn ya, goddamn Japs!"

That kind of racism is unacceptable.

In order to let you take full advantage of all of the fireworks that will fill the air on Independence day, let's take a look at all the fun activities that one can partake in with fireworks.

Activity #1: Scare people until they soil themselves.

Being startled by fireworks doesn't make you cowardly, stupid, or even un-American. Being startled by fireworks is a good thing. It means you still have the instincts necessary to run from explosions when you hear them, and that's something that a lot of people seem to have lost.

That being said, fireworks' ability to terrify the masses has the potential to be somewhat amusing. The inevitable post-traumatic stress of young children is surely a small price to pay for such a momentous, hilarity filled occasion, isn't it father of the year? In short, this is a good time had by all, and there's no way it could end badly.

Activity #2: Alarm clock

This is probably an extension of activity #1, but it seems to be such a widely accepted practice, that it deserves its own place in this post.

Activity #3: Draw fans to games played by awful teams.

Of course, when your organization is a joke, things tend to go poorly with this too. Ouch.

Activity #4: Make a grand entrance.

Not a terrible way to announce your arrival.

Activity #5: They may be enjoyable to watch.

---

Happy nearly July 4th weekend, everyone.

Current Bankroll $0.00

Progress Report: 7/1/09 + People, Volume 1: "Flossers"

2009-07-02T20:40:00.003-04:00

So far, no good, as far as making any money on freerolls is concerned.

While I do intend on playing more tonight, I need some way of dealing with this frustration situation.

And so, in light of this, I've decided to create a series of articles entitled "People," in which I will tell you what to think about your fellow man.

Tonight's People: "Flossers"

Flossing is not the dental procedure that can add 6.4 years to your life-span if performed daily (though it's not entirely clear that anyone actually does this). Rather, flossing, in laymen's terms, essentially means to show off.

Contrary to popular belief, flossing is a plague that can affect people of any race, gender, age group, and persuasion. While rappers may be the ones who throw this term around with the most frequency, and are most often pictured wearing huge, extravagant, and overcompensatory chains, the term is not exclusive to them.

For instance, when your grandfather buys something flashy- lets say it's the new iPhone- and runs up to you saying, "hey young whippersnapper, look what I just spent my Social Security savings on," your grandfather is flossing. Not only is he showing off an iPhone that you don't have, but thanks to our economy, he's also showing off a great deal of Social Security money that you won't ever see either. Just take solace in the fact that you will inevitably be seeing the phone again when he asks you where the numbers are when he wants to make a call for the next month or so.

Flossers seem to think that by showing off their wealth and items of worth, they thereby increase their worth as a member in society. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sure, having the means to buy a nice car, some jewlery, a cool phone, and whatever else you might desire, is great. It's great to live comfortably, there's no doubt about that. However, when you start doing stupid things like spending money simply to show off, you're asking for someone to get jealous, and thereby get pissed at you.

Flossing is a lot like waving a dollar bill in front of a homeless person; not only would you be a tremendous douchebag, but with any luck, you'd soon have a bitten hand, and perhaps rabies.

The point is, there's nothing wrong with liking and possessing nice things. Showing them off, however, is something you might want to do in moderation.

Rappers have bodyguards for a reason: a good deal of them make a career of flossing, and if you can do that for a living, more power to ya. As for the rest of us, let me just say this: you're not distracting anyone from the fact that the only way you'll be associated with a huge prick is by acting like one.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00

Amusing Lists That Drop-Kick Your ADD: Painful Things

2009-07-02T01:06:00.001-04:00

Playing poker, at times, can be extremely painful. There are an incredible number of ways that you can lose in this game, and while the particularly annoying people amongst us may point out that they all stem from simply having the weaker hand, there are a great deal of ways you can end up in that situation.

Let's say you've been dealt AA in a no limit hold 'em game and you have one caller heading into the flop. The flop comes out A82, with no real flush or straight possibilities on the board. After a series of raises, you push all-in with your trip aces, and are pleasantly surprised to find that your opponent has the IQ of a container of walnuts, seeing as they've called with Q2 offsuit.

Everything is going well until the dealer throws down the remaining two 2s in the deck onto the board, giving your opponent his lone out (which they had only 0.1% chance of making) and causing you to require a new pair of pants.

Assuming you haven't already died of WTFitis, you'd probably be in great deal of pain, especially if you'd put any money on the hand.

If this ever does happen to you, here's a list of painful things to remind you that you're not alone in your suffering:

AMUSING LIST:

1. Wedding Proposal Fail. Tack on 50 bonus points if it's extremely public.

2. Accidentally biting your tongue while eating.

3. Getting fired from your job. Unless you sort of deserve it...

4. Stepping on Lego blocks, barefoot, while walking to the fridge for a midnight snack.

5. Bill Buckner'd!

6. Harvesting the power of your own stupidity.

---

Anyway, something tells me that today is going to be an interesting day, what with this being rather prominent on CNN's homepage. Maybe it's my good luck charm.

Current Bankroll:$0.00

Progress Report: 6/30/09 + Join Me For Party Time!

2009-07-01T21:58:00.005-04:00

Results:

20:05 ET - $100 United States Freeroll - Lost in 1128th place

Called a big blind's all in with my A10 suited. I called, which was a really great play until the guy flipped over pocket rockets....

Luminosity11, on the other hand, is having a far less craptastic time of it and is currently in 47th place with 977 people remaining.

So I'm gonna be playing a bunch of freerolls again tonight.

I'll list results as they come in (for those amongst you preparing to steal my identity if I ever do make money on this), but if you'd like to play with me tonight, leave a message in the comments.

So far I'm being joined by my friend, luminosity11. As of now, we haven't come close to winning anything, but with my power of positive thinking, anything is possible!!!

---

By the way, Full Tilt Poker, how 'bout a little kick back for me bringing people to your site? Sure they aren't putting money on it now, but you know what they say: today's casual players are tomorrow's old drunk men in a casino with gambling addition and penchant for swearing loudly at invisible friends in public.

Current Bankroll $0.00

AAAUGH!!!

2009-07-01T21:24:00.001-04:00

Blew a huge opportunity to make the money in an Omaha Hi Freeroll just now...

(And I suck at Omaha Hi!!!)

I was in 26th place with 200 players left, but because I'm a terrible poker player, I played the following hand:

I finished in 41st place, and of course, you need to finish in 27th or better out of 2,700 players to make the money... bleh.

This is miserable... but things could be worse...

The Road to Obesity: Hamburgers vs. Hot Dogs

2009-07-01T13:14:00.002-04:00

For those of you who don't know me well, let me explain to you who exactly I am. I'm from New York City, Jewish, very liberal, not religious, and I guess somewhat of a soccer enthusiast at this point.

Since not all poker players and dick joke enthusiasts are especially bright, I'd like to take this time to point out that the above facts do not necessarily make me un-American. Not entirely, anyway.

In hopes of accomplishing this, let me solve, for you, the classic American, red, white, and blue, pickup truck-driving question, "hamburgers or hot dogs?" After all, July 4th is coming up, so you'll be grilling them up in large quantities shortly. Then again, with the economy in the toilet, you might be lighting a fire in a trash can instead. If I get enough demand, I'll be writing a "grilled pigeon or squirrel?" article shortly.

Hot Dogs:

Pros:

Quick cooking time
Salty goodness
Lots of inadequacy jokes possible
What could be more American?

Cons:

Made from the interesting parts of the pig
Not entirely filling
Kobayashi Syndrome (Skip to around the 5 minute mark for symptoms)

Hamburgers:

Pros:

Ability to stack
Cheese option FTW
High Sink-Your-Teeth-Into-Meatocity Levels
Very filling

Cons:

Have become the prostitute to the sleazy pimp that is McDonalds
Has been known to do food porn

The Verdict:

Gonna have to go with burgers here on personal taste here, though Vince Young seems to disagree.

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Soaking in the sun, playing some freerolls by the pool today. Results will be posted later.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Welcome Misguided Chronic Masturbators!

2009-07-01T03:16:00.000-04:00

This isn't one of those porn websites that you accidentally open up at work that won't let you close them out no matter how many times you try to click out of them.

This is worse.

Welcome to my blog.

My name is 0 and 1... here's what's going on in my corner of the interwebs:

In an effort to waste countless hours of my life away in a horrific, nerdy, and possibly destructive fashion, I have decided to open an online poker account with no money in it and attempt to reach 50,000 dollars, starting by playing only nearly-impossible-to-cash-in freerolls.

By now you might be saying (although you're probably not), "0 and 1, you unoriginal twit, you obviously just copied Full Tilt Poker's Chris Ferguson Challenge."

And, of course, you'd be right. You'd also be a tremendous dick.

However, as you might imagine, following someone make a fool out of themselves on the internet (as I'm about to do) isn't really a novel idea anymore.

In an attempt to draw your attention I will fill this blog with terrible jokes, in-depth accounts of my humiliation in this process, and delightful cinematic-like anecdotes of my life in the fast-lane, in which I will be played by Bruce Willis.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy staring my bankroll's slick round numbers.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Progress Report: 6/29/09

2009-06-30T21:49:00.004-04:00

Tonight I'll be playing two freerolls on Full Tilt Poker:

23:40 ET - No Limit Hold 'Em - $100 Freeroll - Lost in 1,478th place.

Lost on a terrible decision to raise the big blind from the small blind with A7 offsuit. The big blind player raised to put me all in, and being the fantastic idiot that I am, I called. My opponent turned over AQ, and sent me packing.

01:40 ET - No Limit Hold 'Em - $100 Turbo Freeroll - Lost in 1,360th place.

Ugh... suffered a terrible, swift kick in the stack on this one. Went in from the dealer position with J7 and the flop comes 977. One opponent stays in with me, and I feel a double up coming. The next card is a 9, giving me a full house, my opponent raises heavily and I re-raise to go all in. Of course, he calls, turning over 95, giving him the higher full house which he hit on the last card.

My internet was pulling its best pre-subway ride Ruth Madoff impression during this tourney, and it kept going into hiding. This knocked me out of several hands that I wanted to play and raised my blood pressure to undoubtedly unhealthy levels in the process.

The moral of this story: The only thing more annoying than Verizon's "can you hear me now" guy is the internet service that his company provides. It amazes me how painfully stupid these people are.

Once again, you can find me at the tables by searching my handle "0 and 1".

To make the money in these tourneys you need to be in the top 27 out of 2,700 players.

This process is frustrating, but whenever I get down, I have my ways of making myself feel better.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

On Feminism and Poker

2009-06-29T12:09:00.006-04:00

There are, without a doubt, a great deal of chauvinistic pigs in this world. After all, if at least a third of the world's population subscribes to a dogma that states that all sin stems from women, this sort of situation is bound to take place.

Even in the year 2009, there are countless ways that women around the world are oppressed (salary imbalances, domesticity, FGM, control over their own bodies, etc.), and chances are, you and your evil penis are contributing to them.

Before you, my lone reader, begin to exclaim, "But 0 and 1, I don't oppress women, I'm not living in the 1950s anymore," let me tell you how very wrong you are.

Walk into almost any poker room and you will very often find that there is an incredible lack of estrogen in the room.

Even though there are now a rising minority of professional women's poker players today, it is very rare to see women wagering money on poker games. There are of course some obvious reasons for this:

1. The false stigma that poker = masculine.

In popular culture, casual poker games are almost always equated with having the guys over to watch the game, or going fishing with the guys, or whatever other cliche scenario you'd prefer.

Poker is supposedly a masculine game, the same way that most sports were supposedly "made for men to play."

However, while the WNBA's level of play certainly couldn't be considered to be at the same level of the NBA, there is no reason that women cannot thoroughly demolish someone's chipstack at the poker table.

It is the stigma that asserts that poker makes an individual masculine that wrongly keeps a good deal of women out of the game.

2. Who controls the money?

Up until 1882, when women married they essentially gave all of the property, money, and rights to their husbands. Even after the Married Women's Property Law was passed, men still found ways to work around the system and make claims to their wives' worth. While this would seem to be a long time ago, the idea of the husband being "the man of the house", and therefore in control of the money, still prevails today in many households. As a result of this, many men, who may in fact be quite a great bit dumber than their wives, get the distinct satisfaction of blowing their families' money on their own.

3. Who make up the majority of poker players now?

Let's be honest, the majority of poker players out there now aren't likely to be feminists. Doyle Brunson, one of the most revered professional poker players in the world, held the position that women didn't belong playing high stakes poker because "he was brought up to respect women." While he may have changed his views, many poker players today aren't exactly enlightened. The fact of the matter is that any form of gambling is going to have some similarity to the boozy backrooms and casinos that ultimately profit from it, and those are not only not the safest places to be a woman, but they're also primarily male-dominated.

In any case, there's no reason why women can't play poker and make money off of it, just as well, if not better, than men.

On the other hand, I say we end this little observational piece in true egalitarian fashion and just conclude that men and women both have the capacity to make equal poor and stupid decisions. After all, Paris Hilton has to date someone.

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Anyways...

I'm going to play a couple of freerolls tonight. I'll post results when I inevitably lose.

Current Bankroll: $0.00

Facebook Quizzes: Opiates for the Painfully Stupid Masses of Smug Jackasses

2009-06-29T01:42:00.003-04:00

Imagine if you walked up to Megan Fox.

Congratulations, you would now be the proud new owner of a broken spine, courtesy of however many bodyguards Ms. Fox had hired for the day.

Alright, that was predictable.

Let's try this again. This time, we'll assume that Megan Fox's entourage is at a Transformers 2 afterparty, and they've all been trapped in Shia Lebouf's cloud of pitiful acting and general douchebaggery. This is your big chance.

After getting through the crowd, and stumbling through introducing yourself to her, you're surprised to find that she really likes you. A lot. She starts telling you that she wants you so badly, and she starts running her hands through your hair, working herself up against you in an incredibly too-sensual-for-public fashion.

You're completely taken aback by this, but you suddenly step back and think to yourself, "Oh God, I wish I'd brought a bag or something to conceal this massive erection."

Really, though, the thing you should be thinking yourself is, "wait... there's no way that Megan Fox, whom I've just met for the first time, is eagerly anticipating a romance explosion from the likes of me."

I feel that this line of thinking is not one that enters the minds of the great mass of Facebook quiz-takers.

You see, Facebook quizzes, the ones that I've seen anyway, have a tendency to tell every one of their participants that they are basically brilliant, good looking, fun to be around, badasses.

The thing is though, I know a lot of people on Facebook that take quizzes that aren't brilliant, good looking, fun to be around, badasses. I know a great deal of people in this world that have been all but dropped in a white-hot pool of molten stupid. Telling these people that they will someday rule the world, or something along those lines, is along the same lines of leaving George W. Bush in charge of the United States of America- except possibly worse because now you have a million more misguided morons polluting the collective mind of our earth.

Listen, I'm not saying that we should cull out all the Facebook-quiz takers and weld giant lead duncecaps to their heads. That would probably get me put on some government watch list or something.

What I do suggest, however, is that we create a fair number of quizzes that, when answered poorly, administer a giant red stamp reading "unfit to procreate" to the failure's Facebook page that will permanently be grafted over whatever profile picture they choose to present themselves to the internet with.

Also, Megan Fox.

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Current Bankroll: $0.00